| Gorvar reviews | |
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| Topic Started: Jul 4 2010, 05:57 PM (3,829 Views) | |
| LoganActor | Aug 8 2010, 10:01 AM Post #11 |
Plays Logan on TV!
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Ooooooooooh. I can't wait. |
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| Gorvar | Aug 8 2010, 03:56 PM Post #12 |
Self claimed fanfic critic.
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 Greetings everyone. Today we will talk about a movie more disappointing then Episode I, we’re talking about a movie that could have been the most awesome film ever since Lord of the Rings or Inception, a film you could not have fucked up even if you tried....but a man by the name of Pauw W.S Anderson did. I’m talking about Alien Vs Predator. This film took our favorite SF monsters, nerfed them down, slapped them in the face for being to naughty and let them play together in the pen. It SUCKS so bad it’s not even funny. Why is it so bad? Allow me to walk you with through the seven circles of hell as your Virgil. Let's go movie, get you some! Number 1: Antarctica This movie takes place in Antarctica, the stupidest place on earth to have a film done. Don’t you lot start throwing ‘The Thing’ from John Carpenter at me, for two reasons. One, I never saw that film, which I plan to remedy soon, and two it’s done by a better director who actually allowed gore in what is supposed to be A HORROR MOVIE. I’ll talk about the Gore (or lack of it) later. Anyways Antarctica, not only is it cold there but ‘according to the film) dark as hell. Which means for half the time you don’t see shit. Seriously, I had to crank up the brightness on my tv to see something going on. Also it doesn’t make sense for either of the alien species to be there! As shown in Predator, predator II and Predators the Preds always come to earth (or rather hunt on other planets) on warm climates a la the rain forest or South America or even the far East. Why in the name of unholy fuckness are they on FUCKING ANTARICA?! Let’s not forget the Predators In this film are rookies, newbies in the hunt. If experienced hunters rather wanna chill out in South America or LA during a gang war, why do these kids get send to the fucking South Pole?! It doesn’t make any sense, it’s been established the Preds life on warm climate planets, sending them to Antarctica is a death sentence! What if their suits suddenly give out? What if everything goes bat shit insane down there like a massive EMP wave, you’ll end up with three promising hunters killed simply because you lot were to lazy to re-locate your trials to a area that isn’t best for hunting! AGAIN do not throw the line ‘They’re send there to cope in un-hospitable locations to strengthen themselves for their trials’ or ‘The Predators didn’t know the Pyramid was frozen solid when they arrived.’ If you do, okay asshole, let’s dance! I have two reasons. Reason 1: If experienced hunters can be send to hunt in warmer climates, and thus have it easier, why do newbs get send into a cold situation? There is a difference between training with life fire and sending people to get killed. Also most of the trials happen IN THE FUCKING PIRAMID! If it happens in there, why the fuck does it have to be in Antarctica, couldn’t they have moved it somewhere else, somewhere challenging like a forgotten jungle somewhere? Reason 2: The Predators are a space faring race that ‘have taught the humans how to build’. So in their massive amount of knowledge and the fact they travel back to Earth every 100 or so years, when did they start to notice that Antarctica isn’t as densely populated anymore? Predator I: Huh....it’s rather chilly here isn’t it? Predator II: Yeh....where are the humans, they’re supposed to meet us by now. Predator I: -checks scanners- oh...seems there aren’t any humans here, the nearest settlement is across the ocean. Predator II: What, what about the trials?! Predator I: There has been signs of a explosion... Predator II: Wait....the last guys blew up everything and killed everyone for miles around us and the high council FORGOT to inform us to inform that little factoid, The fuck are we supposed to hunt here?! Predator I: Well....what about that black-white thing over there? Predator II: Oooooh, exciting! I’m trained to hunt XENOMORPHS, not birds! Predator III: Hey guys look, my piss has frozen solid! Predator II: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!! And so on and so forth. So this trial happening In the middle of fucking nowhere and happening every 100 years without any clear update on the Piramid or replacing the Alien Queen, is a dumb idea. Also the humans dress to lightly for Antarctica and should’ve frozen to death in like two minutes, AND they’re packing guns, what were they expecting, ZE GERMANS?! Again it would’ve made more sense if it was in a rain forest or some other planet. If it was a rain forest they would’ve been armed to hunt some terrorists or if they were on a other planet they would’ve been armed by the Predators! Wait...that was the premise of ‘Predator’ and ‘Predators’....huh.... Antarctica sucks! Bad movie! Number 2: The Predators The Predators suck in this movie. The only one thing I liked about this film was that they established Three Predators working together on a hunt, a idea worked out far better in the film ‘Predators’. As I mentioned above the very idea of them fighting in a frozen wasteland is dumb...they engage the Aliens in HAND TO HAND COMBAT! For a technological advanced species, the Preds are the dumbest bastards in the galaxy! Hell even the Aliens from ‘War of the Worlds’ are smarter if only because they PLANNED their invasion. Again three rookies are send to fight a hive of xenomorphs with only their cloaks (which are worth shit if the aliens can small you by scent), Wolverine styled claws and a net. Do the High council want any survivors? They know the Xenomorphs have Acid for blood, hand to hand combat would be dangerous and stupid, even expert hunters would have a hard time WITH laser guns. Give them their fucking guns! Another stupid twist is the Predators have to make their way into the pyramid and grab their guns from a altar which would trigger the entire moving maze thing. That is a good idea, small problem.....you using 4000 year old tech! How would you feel if you were told to fight a herd of monsters with only a blunderbuss, you would go ‘fuck you asshole’ and grab a fucking minigun with a MP3 player playing ‘Let the bodies hit the floor’. Also the Predators still think after the last time the entire civilization got destroyed by the self destruct-o bombs, the humans would still keep renovating the place and keep giving sacrifices? Well obviously no because the trio start wacking every human they come across for no real reason. Also how do you earn your trial? By killing every single Alien in that pyramid? Does that include the Queen? Explain movie, EXPLAIN! The Predators in the movie fail...ESPICALLY when they start teaming up with those fucking primitive monkeys...and they take of their helmet so they can get raped by a face hugger. Problem 3: Aliens The Aliens in this movie do their job as Aliens, they are a herd of wild animals that hunt for both humans and Predators, impregnating the former and killing the later. But of course I have a problem with the as well....well three. One, THEY GROW UP TO FAST! The Chest Burster in Alien took hours to grow up, but in this movie it took a total of...oh, 45 minutes?! That’s fucking bullshit movie! There is a thing called continuity, it’s a little something us fans like in our entertainment.... Paul Anderson claims he’s a big fan of the films yet he fucks it up so bad it’s not even funny anymore! Stop fucking shit up! Second, diet. What the fuck do Aliens eat, your in Antarctica, they cant go outside for to long or they’ll freeze to death, the fuck do they feed on?! Penguins?! You need food to grow! In Aliens it made sense they survived because they could’ve eaten the bodies of their former hosts, but In this one they’re only like 12 people as hosts while In the film they’re 24? Third, The Alien Queen’s escape. If this Queen has been on Earth for 3000 or something years...why only in this film did she decide to escape? I mean...she’s obviously smart because she knew if her children bite her, her acid blood would break the chains which were holding her, but why did it happen NOW? Do they swap Queens, did this happen before? Why hasn’t her chains already been rusted by now, how did they even capture a Queen, they’re a bitch (Pun intended, fuck you movie) to capture. Ghraaaaaaaargh...... Number 4: The humans God...i hate these humans. Why couldn’t they have gotten a Dutch archetype, or Hudson, or Ripley....but no! We get fucking archaeologists and only one chick who could’ve been Ripley but she became Alien food early on in the film! We also get Bishop, well not really Bishop but Weyland himself, who doesn’t contribute anything in the film other then dying in hand to hand combat with a Predator. Where do I start... First of the main character, would be Ripley, is wooden as all hell and her sudden kick ass ness later on in the film makes no sense. Also she shows no emotion what so ever, even when the Italian stallion dies. Also she gets given a ALIEN HEAD AS A SHIELD without her arm being melted off in the process and a fucking spear like she’s a friggin’ Amazon. Why the hell is she still alive? Why the hell does a Predator decide to team up with a human?! Why does this movie suck so bad?! ... You cant see it obviously, but I had to get a new keyboard again and some happy pills. I’m fine now, honest. Oh yes...the Italian stallion aka the guy who explains shit to us about the back-story. For some reason he knows everything and can read a dead language which is a mix of Egyptian, Aztec and Mayan like it’s written for 3 year olds. That’s cheap movie, I mean, really.... We also get a Scotch git who dies, some bad ass marine hura motherfucker who dies like a pussy and the blonde chick who I would bang, even after her comparison of a gun and a condom. Other then Should’ve been Ripley, none of these characters are worth caring about. Not even Italian Stallion’s sidekick. You remember the Marines in Aliens, or the Special Task force in Predator, or heck even Mike fucking Harrigan from Predator II who killed a Predator in hand to hand combat? These people were awesome and you cared about them and hoped they survived. How many of you cried when Hudson got dragged under? How many of you think Apone should’ve had a more bad ass end? Who of you think Billy was a fucking bad ass to stay behind to give Ahnold some more time? How many of you think we should’ve ‘Got to da Choppa’ before this movie ended? The humans are canon fodder, they’re the reason the audience gets to hear the back-story, that’s all. And oh, Shouldn’t have been Ripley getting the spear at the end of the film? Yeah, fuck you Paul Anderson, fuck you hard! Number 5: Pg-13 When I look back at my DVD collection I noticed something. Aliens, rated 16, Predator, rated 16, Predator 2 rated 16 despite the sex scene and the full frontal female nudity. AvP, Pg 13.......PG 13.... .... Why the fuck is it PG 13?! Mortal Kombat was PG 13 despite the games being fucking full of gore like there is no tomorrow! We want to see spines being pulled out of someone, skulls being bleached, Chest Bursters popping out of chests with all the blood and internal organs flying around, not fucking WCW Wrestling! Yeh, a Predator wrestles a Alien! Why the fuck man....why the fuck.... Honestly my rant level is so high I can barely type at this point, it’s that bad. Aliens can tear you limb from limb in a millisecond, the best thing you can do is run and shoot and hope they don’t get you. The Predator kills you with his spear if he feels like it but most of the time you get your ass fired by his laser gun, or a cool boomerang. Why the hell did they decide to keep blood flow at a minimum and the lack of cursing and boobs? Not once in this film is the word ‘fuck’ dropped, even during dangerous situations. Not once did we get to see Should’ve been Ripley shagging someone or show us her rack, we get nothing, why you ask? So the little kids can watch two highly praised Hollywood monsters duke it out like Sting and Hulk Hogan. Best thing of it all is, it’s all shot in the dark, so you cant see anything happen, at all! And despite this movie being called Alien vs Predator, there is very little of that! They try to boost the move up by saying the Predators and the Aliens were having this ‘war’ for thousands of years...but we know better. Aliens are animals, they only want to feed and reproduce, that’s it. No plans for universal domination or nothing. These are not the fucking Borg or the Flood from Halo, these are mindless animals under the command of one Hive mind! They cant even travel through space! Stop saying it’s a war when there isn’t one! Bad movie! BAD! Conclusion: in short....dont see this film, not even for laughs. If you want to laugh your ass off, go see Batman and Robin, or Alone in the Dark. Edited by Gorvar, Aug 8 2010, 04:13 PM.
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| Gorvar | Aug 17 2010, 01:17 PM Post #13 |
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Self claimed fanfic critic.
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 Hello everyone. Today we’re going to talk about why some animated shows are best not done in real life. Mostly it’s because the characters are very hard to portray in a life setting, or the setting itself is very hard to recreate in our world. Or mostly it’s because seeing people fly around looks fucking stupid. Now let’s talk about ‘The Last Airbender’. This movie...I had to admit I had no hope for this one at all, not even the trailer seemed to encourage me. It’s dumb, annoying, doesn’t stick to the source material and just flat out sucks. Kinda like Scrappy Doo, only the pain sticks around longer. For those who haven’t seen Avatar: The Last Airbender, it’s a show which takes place in a fictional world where some people can bend the four elements. Earth, Fire, Water and Air. These benders can only bend one type of element, except the Avatar who can bend all four so he or she can maintain the balance of the world and the spirits. The characters are awesome, the relationships feel real, the plot is just plain epic and despite the main cast being mostly 15-16 year olds you can relate to them. In short just go see the show in all it’s 3 season glory and stay the fuck away from this movie. For those who would like to know WHY this sucks, let’s dive right in. Number 1: Actors The actors just plain suck in this movie except for Dev Patel and Shaun Toub who give in rather okay work, but nothing to save this movie from. They do not put any emotion in their lines, their fighting scenes make the ones from AvP look like fucking masterpieces in comparison (and you all know I hate that film) and they look nothing like the characters from the show!  I especially hate Sokka in this film, but I’ll talk about it later. Maybe it’s a tad harsh for me to go at it on these kids, after all for most of them this is their first movie, they’ve been thrown into a big million dollar movie, they were not prepared. This also adds to my opinion that some shows cant be put in real life. You cant ask 12 year olds to act way above their league, Finding one let alone 3 Dakota Fanning’s would be impossible. Voice acting on the other hand is a lot easier that way, your actors don’t have to resemble your characters but can provide the excellent voice. Anyways the acting does still suck and really drag the movie under. Number 2: The Plot. The plot from this film is what could be best described as the botched plotline of Season I heard from a drunken man who saw snippets of the show on tv while he was beating his children. In short, the Fire Nation wants to take over the world, of course, and that’s why the entire world has gone to shit. People die, shit blows up, things burn....you know, the war backdrop where every other fantasy film takes place in. And that is the problem in this movie, it all feels to rehashed because again this film is the life adaption from a animated show, we know what’s going on, there was no need to film it. If they wanted to go original and actually made a prequel to the show in life action form, It probably wouldn’t been better. Well ok I tell a lie there, it would still have sucked ass, but still they wouldn’t have butchered the show. The movie is very clumsy in executing the plot, as in the backgrounds of the characters and the climax had to be explained several times in the film. In one scene Zuko asked some kid what he knew about him just so we could be told what we already knew from a previous scene earlier on in the film. Also it doesn’t help this film feels rushed. Katara and Sokka only know Aang for let’s say a day when Zuko shows up to take him away, they have no real reason to go after him, especially since there was no ‘bonding’ montage or anything to suggest they became friends. It’s even only after he got rescued by the siblings he actually tells them his name! How the fuck can you care about someone whom you’ve only known for like an hour and never really talked to, to risk everything to save him. In the show it made sense because Aang and Katara became friends really fast and actually had a small adventure together which alerted Zuko to the Avatar’s survival. In the 20 minute mark Aang discovers the skeletons of his Airbender Nomad people (Piles of skeletons in a graphic way, only in a kid’s movie!) which triggers him into the Avatar state. The Avatar state is a subconscious trigger which powers up a Avatar and grants him all the power and the skill of his or her previous incarnations which only happens when the Avatar is either upset or during a life threatening situation, though it could be triggered at will if trained. In the show only Katara was able to snap Aang out of these traumatic episodes because of the bound they share. The bound is something I like to talk about because in the Avatar State the Avatar is a force of destruction which can level entire cities or rout armies, but the relationship (which results into love near the end of the show) between the two is so strong Katara just walks through the vortex of destruction and holds Aang in her arms which immediately calms him down. To see it in this film without having said bound, let alone a hug, is like watching a half hearted attempt by fans who try to re-enact this scene. Wait, why am I talking about this, I have to talk about the plot! So the gang decide to go north because Aang needs to learn the three other elements to defeat the Fire Nation and the perfect master to learn water bending from lives on the North Pole. In that time the crew connect I guess and help people in rebelling against the Fire Nation. It sounds exciting but it isn’t, at least in this film. I’ll talk about the action later. So they get to the North Pole where they find the entire Northern Water Tribe, who life in a city ironically, and they stay there until the Fire Nation attacks. It’s around this part the film TRIES to be epic and start throwing epic music our way and the preparations for war, but really at this point you have stopped giving two shits, let alone a damn, about this movie. Sokka falls in love with the Princess, for no real reason whatsoever, but she dies 20 minutes later when she has to sacrifice herself to save the planet because the Fire Nation attacked fish that can CONTROL THE MOON AND THE TIDES! Those are some fucking hardcore fish dude, give me some! Anyways The good guys win, Prince Zuko keeps going after the Avatar and the Fire Lord Ozai sends his daughter after both Aang and Zuko to eliminate them. Thus setting up for a sequel. ... Whoopty shit. Number 3: The characters They all suck! At best you can call them all Mary Sues, because they have no flaws whatsoever. In the show Aang, despite his overall kindness, has quite a few flaws. In one episode he came across a messenger from Katara and Sokka’s father who had gone off to fight in the war, who had a map where it said where he was. Aang hide that map because he didn’t want to lose his friends who would go on their own to find their father. Same goes with Sokka. In the show he’s the sarcastic funny comic relief guy and this makes him a awesome character later on in the series when the story becomes darker and you need the humor he has to make it more bearable or relieve stress from the other group members. But he also has flaws. In the show, and film, he falls in love with the Princess but he already had a side thing going on with a other girl, so he was in fact cheating on her with Yue. Also in the show Yue was supposed to be married off to someone but Sokka didn’t care and went for that romance, despite the consequences. Even Katara’s Waterbending Master Pakku ( and later on her step grandfather) who’s only been in a few episodes had way more personality then in the film. In the show he declined teaching Katara waterbending because she was a girl and he believed women should only use waterbending to heal rather then kick ass. It was only after a whole episode and a awesome duel she could convince him. So yeh, the show does show that these are real people with good sides and bad ones, making us feel and care for them, or despise them if they let their own faults consume them whole. In this movie they don’t have any flaws! Aang doesn’t have to face any kind of moral dilemma while Sokka’s romance with Yue goes unhindered because he doesn’t have a girlfriend and she doesn’t have to be married. And In this movie Katara was thrown in the same class as Aang, with no objections whatsoever. You could say they left these bits out to make the movie shorter, since if we put in all the ‘little’ things it would be three hours. But yes! Yes the movie has to be three hours if you want to do it right! Those little bits are what I call character development, it gives us the feeling these characters are growing, facing their inner demons and either overcome them or fail. If you have a story about a band of heroes travelling to save the world, you need fucking character development. Even Final fucking Fantasy VIII had character development! The only characters that seem to have been doing ok were Zuko and Iroh and that’s because I think M. Night Shyamalan didn’t spend enough time on them to fuck them up. He claims to have seen the show, but how can he if he screwed up everything? I’ve seen fucking fanfiction better then this! How can you fuck up the unfuckible? What unfuckible is not a word, well it should be. Also Monk Gyatso is black....Go figure. Ghaargh...next topic... Number 4: Action The action is dull and mediocre as are the fighting styles. Each fighting scene feels more like a Tai Chi experience then a true full combat action scene. They keep throwing shit at each other while the other guys summon up a shit shield to counter. It also doesn’t help it’s all done in fucking bullet time. I don’t know who they are ripping off from, The Matrix or 300, at least in those films we cared about the characters or cheered for their bad ass ness. There is no bad ass-ness in this film, even the giant tidal wave in the end of the film sucks! You know why? Because ‘The avatar is not allowed to hurt anyone’. Everyone I know calls bullshit on that one. Avatars are supposed to maintain the balance, if there is a factor which throws the balance off, it has to be dealt with or eliminated. The reason why Aang doesn’t kill is because he is a Air Nomad/Monk who value life, but the previous avatars have killed in the past if they needed to. Hell Avatar Kioshi from two life times ago flat out killed a king because he tried to destroy her village. So the big tidal wave at the end was just a threat to back the Fire Nation off from attacking the Northern water tribe. Gee, I recall in the show that Aang turned into a friggin’ Godzilla like monster and just went apeshit on the Fire Nation Navy, drowning bitches left and right and sinking nearly all the enemy ships. See, that would’ve been fucking bad ass! What I also hated in this film is the Firebenders needing a external fire source to bend fire. In the show they could shoot fire from their limbs and even from their mouth like a dragon, whom according to legend they learned fire bending from. Why does it have to be external here? Couldn’t we just have stuck with them just shooting fireballs from their hands? If it is external, wouldn’t it be clumsy to carry fire lanterns or braziers everywhere? Not really since the Water tribe was dumb enough to leave their lanterns on when the Fire Nation attacked. What about Iroh? In the movie he can summon fire from out of thin air, and Zuko was able to melt his way through ice when he was almost drowning. It doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. The stupidity even hurts the brain so much it’s like somebody is lobotomizing my brain while I watch this film. Conclusion: Stay the fuck away from this film, it’s not even riftrax worthy or something to laugh at with friends. If you want to see awesome animated glory however go watch the show, you’ll love it. |
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| Gorvar | Sep 1 2010, 09:13 AM Post #14 |
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Self claimed fanfic critic.
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  Hello everyone. Now I was thinking a while back to review Final Fantasy 8’s plot and such, but it got me wondering, so far I haven’t reviewed ANYTHING I like at all. To stop being one key and review horrible pieces of shit, I decided to hold of the FFVIII review and actually give you honest to good fair chance review on something I came across recently, that being Highschool of the Dead. (HOTD) HOTD is a anime based on a manga about a group of highschool students trying to survive the zombie apocalypse. Now I cant deny it, I’m a big zombie apocalypse fan, I love Left 4 Dead, 28 Days later, I listen to World War Z the audio book a lot...i’m just a big fan. The reason why is just seeing how people and governments would react to a outbreak of a zombie virus and how it changes society totally. It quickly turns into a fight for survival where you have to kill your zombified relatives, scavenge for food and weapons, always keep an eye open at night and sometimes going up against other survivors. It also focuses on character development a lot since people who have survived such a event had to change in order to survive. It’s humanity who has it’s back against the wall and only the best and brightest can make it out. Total chaos and destruction but also focused on rebuilding society and mankind. That’s why I also like the Halo games and Resistance, but that’s for another time. What is very great about this animated series (and the manga which I sort of skimmed through) is that it focused on a group of people we haven’t seen in any zombie apocalypse flick or game...Highschool students. Yes in 28 days later we focused on a group of random survivors, in Quarantine (shit film btw simply because those idiots in that film pissed me of so much because they didn’t follow the zombie survival rulebook) we had a camera crew some cops and some firemen and in Dawn of the Dead we again had a random number of people from all walks of life, never did we focus on students like at all. The series starts in a Highschool where the infection literally bumps into the school gates in the form of a zombie, but it quickly infects the entire school and less then three hours later they’re only a few survivors left because of the panic that ensued. However in chapter 3 the group make it out and find themselves thrown into a world full with the living dead, paranoid survivors and the crumbling government forces who lost all contact with their superiors and are basically left for dead. (I MADE A PUN!) The group consists of six people, five students and a nurse, who use their own skills to fight the undead horde. The ‘leader’ of the group uses his baseball bat to smash some heads in while others prefer using their kendo blade (wooden sword) and a makeshift spear because of their sport attributes. The nerdy guy uses a customized nailgun while the nurse and the smart chick use their expertise to help the group with wounds and figuring out where to go next. This group is very cool to watch during combat simply because they are classmates of each other and thus they make a better team. Except for the smart chick who refused to give the nerdy guy his nail ammo because she thinks she’s better then everyone, but that soon changes after she nearly got killed. They also fight like a rag tag group of survivors since...well they are students and not soldiers. When they get guns though it’s thanks to the nerdy guy, who is a gun fanatic, how they know how to operate them and during the skirmishes with the living dead they first suck at using them but later on improve simply because of practice. The head shots they can line up with one clip of ammo is amazing in the later episodes. Right best get this all brought under points and bring some order in my praise and gripes with this show. Number 1: The Plot. (for the first 3 episodes) To be honest you cannot fail in setting up a zombie apocalypse plot.....with the exception of the Resident Evil movie franchise, but let’s not get into that. The show takes place in Japan where a young student (Takashi Komuro) is watching over the city from his school building. Like all young kids he has problems and heart aches, it being in the form of his ex-girlfriend now being with his best friend. While he broods he sees a single suspicious looking man who keeps bumping In to the school gates. Like in all fiction the Sports teacher is a insufferable prick and tells the man, who looks very ill and moans, to sod off while the other teachers try to calm him down and call for a ambulance. However the suspicious man suddenly bites the sports teacher in the arm, which kills him in ten seconds flat. However the Sport Teacher gets up a minute later and starts biting the other teachers, thus the virus gets inside the school walls. Takashi runs to his class where he tries to grab his ex-girlfriend (Rei Miyamoto) and his best friend (Hisashi Igo) and try to get out of the school before it’s to late. Of course the class nor his friends believe him until the Public Announcer tries to calmly urge the students and teachers to get out of the school as quickly as possible, but horribly fails as he starts screaming when a zombie tears his throat out. During the panic Takashi and his friends head toward the roof, thus avoiding the stampede, where they come across their first zombie. Takashi grabs his baseball and tries to fight off the zombie. Hisashi tries to snap the zombie’s neck (big no no) but gets bitten. Here’s what I like about anime (the proper cool ones not like Pokemon or friggin’ Bakugan), when Hisashi gets bitten like a litter of blood flies out of his wound while a moment later he just says he only get bit a little. Awesome. Anyway the trio get up the roof after getting through a mob of their former peers and seal themselves there so later they can plan a way out, however Hisashi starts getting pale and barfs out blood. Rei tries to help, but even Hisashi knows he is a dead man and asks Takashi to kill him since he doesn’t want to become one of ‘Them’. The characters in the show call the zombies here ‘Them’ despite them being your average zombie. In the manga it gets explained why exactly, basically giving them a other name gives them a other identity and thus lays easier on the mind to kill your fallen friends and family. Takashi fulfils Hisashi’s wish after Hisashi turned in one of ‘Them’. Rei tirades Takashi, throwing insults at him and telling he really killed Hisashi because she dumped him. Takashi, who has probably the suckiest day in his life, just has enough and nearly leaves Rei alone to fend for herself but decides against it after she threw a emotional 180 and holds him. Episode 1 ends on a bleak yet awesome way by a single leaf of a tree falling in a puddle of blood as the undead roam through the school and the street. Episode 2 starts in the same classroom but this time we follow the nerdy guy (Kohta Hirano) and the smartest girl in the school Saya Takagi. She has the same idea as Takashi but grabs Kohta and goes another way. However by the time they get to the roof ‘Them’ are all over the place and are forced to shelter in the wood carving class. There Hirano makes a bad ass customized nailgun and makes it so that it looks and holds like a real gun. I just love this guy, outside of combat he’s the typical friendly nerd guy who plays D&D in his mum’s basement or plays on his Xbox all day, but when he gets a gun in his hand he just snaps and racks up the body kills. Early on in the series he is the group’s most deadly asset as he can cut down zombies making it easier for the melee based group members to fight them. In a other side of the building we meet the bimbo headed school nurse (Shizau Marikawa) who gets saved by the school’s kendo champion (Saeko Busujima). Saeko is my second favourite character of the show just because she’s ballsy enough to go head to head with the horde of the living dead with a WOODEN SWORD. That’s like the Chuck Norris level of bravery. The three groups meet and hold up in a room to rest while they switch on the tv. The Tv report is chilling at best as this outbreak seems to be happening on a global scale. Washington Dc is in panic as the President (strangely white in the anime despite this only being made in 2010) and his cabinet flee while the Army is shooting ‘Them’ on Times Square. Paris itself burns as does large cities in China while all contact is lost with Russia. In the Third episode the party decide to grab a bus from the school’s garage and try to find their families in the nearby city while trying to save as many survivors as they can. They manage to rescue two pockets of survivors in a awesome charge that rivals in sheer awesomeness with the Rohirim from Return of the King. They manage to get to the bus but lose a few students in the process. When the bus slams out of the School gates and properly joins the chaos of the outside world.....while, your going to have to check it out for yourself what happens haha. The plot is very standard for a horror series about the zombie apocalypse, but like those seires which rely on character development the plot gets better as the party begin to realize they lose their own humanity because of the battles against ‘Them’ and how every time they fail to save a survivor it hurts less while the survivors they do save turn into a cult under the leadership of the one teacher Rei warned Takashi not to save. The anime is currently at Episode 9 but around 6 September Anime network will release the 10th episode. Number 2: The Characters I’m a big fan of character development, which is something we’ll see a lot in the party during the series. Takashi Komuro is the unofficial leader of the group and before the ‘outbreak’ a low grade 17 year old student who flunked last year. As the series progresses he comes up with more plans and manages to help his friends retain their humanity and manage their emotional baggage. However like all characters should have he has flaws. Like I mentioned earlier he tries to save as many people as he can, actually going through a horde of ‘Them’ to save a little girl while leaving them both trapped until they get picked up by the party in their humvee. The teacher from earlier (Kōichi Shidō) is a manipulative, arrogant smart man and managed to turn most of the survivors of the Highschool, save the party, against Takashi and turned himself into their leader. Not really a flaw, but it does show despite the dozen warnings against saving everyone Takashi does what he thinks is best and no doubt makes no friends that way. He is a all rounder fighter, meaning he can use melee weapons and long range weapons, like a Baseball bat and a machine gun. Rei Miyamoto is your average teenager girl who is forced to rely on her own devices after she loses her boyfriend Hisashi and her father, a policemen, loses contact with her due to the cell phones cutting out everywhere. She and Takashi were good friends and they genuinely love each other, but because of Takashi’s flaws he could not really express his feelings to her. In spite she started a relationship with his best friend, but her feelings for Takashi were still there. After the Outbreak they become close friends again. She is a expert in ‘spear techniques’ and it first uses a broken off broom stick and alter on a gun with a bayonet. Saeko Busujima is one of the more serious characters in the show. She is strong, independent and most of all....bad ass. When we first meet her she just knocks ‘Them’ over to conserve energy and time, showing she has quite a military mind. Her dark side though is the main reason why I think she is called Saeko (Psycho). Before the Outbreak she nearly killed a man who tried to rape her. This encounter seemed to have given her a urge to beat people up and to constantly make her feel powerful. Because of her mastery of Kendo, she’s the party’s strongest melee fighter, and even grows more deadly as she gets a friggin’ katana. She’s close to Takashi, whom she told her darker nature story though, and it’s implied they had sex after these two got caught off from the group at one point. However because of the secret being out Takashi feels she might snap in some time in the future and become a danger to themselves, but for now he accepts her darker side to increase their chances of survival. Kohta Hirano is my favourite character by far in this show, simply because for some part I can relate to him. Before the outbreak he got bullied so often because of his weight and...well being a nerd, but after he became the group’s most deadliest member. He is a gun expert and knows nearly every gun known to man and knows how to operate them. During a trip to the USA he had training at Blackwater, a tactical training facility, which further made him more efficient with weaponry. I like to see him as a disaster that waited to happen, near the same levels at what happened in Columbine. He was being picked on, he had the training to use fire arms and no doubt would find a way to get them (since his parents are very rich). When the outbreak came however he had his excuse to kill his former tormentors and showed no qualms in wounding or even kill Kōichi Shidō when he became increasingly more power hungry. His lighter side however is a lot nicer and he is a big teddy bear really. When the group saves the little girl he’s the one who connects to her more and even plays with her. The best I can describe him as he is a young Lynch from Kane and Lynch. He is a unstable, insane gun fanatic who could snap at any moment if not for his medication. As said before he has the best aim of the group and can turn anything into a long range weapon, but he is hopeless if he doesn’t have any ammo. He is the show’s comic relief though and he does get a chuckle or two out of me, and even some laughter after he pulls a Ahnold moment during a fight. Dude also has the most head shots. Saya Takagi is the group’s ‘brains’ and basically saved them several times by advising other routes which would be devoid of ‘Them’ while others would’ve been full of. She’s a self proclaimed genius and one of Takashi’s childhood friends. Her biggest flaw is her own self grandeur. She knows she is smart but she thinks everyone else is dumber then her and flat out insults everyone and even declines to help if she was not properly addressed. She doesn’t fight a lot, but that’s not her strength since she is best navigating or thinking ahead to the next stop. She has a crush on Takashi, like every woman on this show it seems, but in turn has sort of a thing going with Hirano. Shizuka Marikawa is the blonde school nurse and to be fair...I don’t really like her. They just took the dumb blonde archetype and just went bat shit insane with it. She has medical knowledge and drives the party around with the bus or humvee. What’s to say about her? ....well.....she has boobs, Seriously 60 percent of the time on the show we get a good look at those fun pillows. Which ideally leads to the gripes I have with this show! Number 3: Fan Service This show is full of fan service. Every panty shot chance they got, they take it, every time we can see a woman’s bra, we see it. Like I pointed out earlier every woman on this show has a thing for Takashi who is the main character. This show is really great, but the sheer amount of fan service is just to god damn much. If you show boobs all the time or asses your audience wont take you seriously anymore, even if your script is good. Even the intro is full of it, take a look! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CTcQT5J-LzA Also episode 6 (in the Dead of Night) I like to dub ‘Episode 6: Fan Service edition’ simply because we see the women bathing and touching each others breasts. Seriously, they talk about breast sizes while the living dead are JUST OUTSIDE! When I saw this I went ‘Really? Are we going that route..Alright....?’ It doesn’t help their poor feminine brains go all loopy after their hot bath and start flirting with both the boys and walk around half naked. I understand they are aiming at a certain demographic, but I swear at times I thought this show was going to turn into a hentai. Now I have nothing against a bit of fan service, but know your limits, really! This show even has Matrix boobs! I’m not kidding, matrix boobs. Those things avoid a friggin’ bullet that passes through them. Now Hirano is a awesome shot, and a bit of a go-getter at trying to peek in the woman’s bathing room, but I think shooting your bullet through a team mate’s cleavage is a good idea. Also the titles of the show are a bit....bland at best. 01 "Spring of the Dead" 02 "Escape from the Dead" 03 "Democracy under the Dead" And so on. However I do like how they show their titles a la Heroes. (It being shown somewhere as part of the scenery) Conclusion: The fan service aside, this is a good show I think you should see...if your above 18. It deals with the human nature in the wake of a phenomena they cant explain and how they try to stay alive while trying to stay as human as possible. That and Hirano is a friggin’ bad ass amongst nerds. Defiantly check it out. |
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| Gorvar | Sep 6 2010, 05:18 PM Post #15 |
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Self claimed fanfic critic.
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 Hello everyone. Yes, i’m going to bitch about games now, and what game to ideally bitch about then the horror of FF8? Oh where do I begin with this one. The story? The characters, The gameplay? The card games? My own personal history with this game? Well since I can tear this game a new one and end up with twenty pages, I’ll just do it one review at a time, starting with... Number 1: Gf’s and SeeD, Time-travel stories are hard to do, and to be honest most fail at it, excluding Back to the Future. If you base a game that last well over 120 hours, your bound to run into some plot holes you’ll fall in for ages, and ages, and ages. I don’t like any of it. The setting, the connections the party has which makes the connections in Lost look subtle. Right, FF8 takes place in a technology advanced world where monsters roam the country side and evil witches need killing. Yes, the plot is like a fantasy game, but we got guns and spaceships and stuff so we’re cool. There is a group of schools (SeeD) which trains teenagers into COLD BLOODED KILLERS! Well technically I’m wrong since SeeD is a mercenary group, but let’s be honest. They are trained to use magic to defeat their enemy, summon monsters to do their bidding and wield friggin’ swords. This game sends 17 year olds into warzones to fight armed soldiers who wield friggin’ machineguns WITH SWORDS. And those are for the lucky few, most have to do with nun chuks or their own fists. Why parents don’t raise a larger fit over this I don’t know. I don’t get anime sometimes, your giving teenagers powers that can destroy a entire city! You can even summon the devil himself in this game! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oh3eGkoJ8gc&feature=related I don’t know if this is batsh*t insane, or friggin’ awesome. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s still stupid but near adults getting such powers make more sense then some girl getting a sceptre that can summon a army of dragons. NO I’M NOT LETTING THAT ONE GO! The GF’s (Guardian Forces) in this game are essential because without them you cant cast magic, and since SeeD has a lot of students spread all over the world you need to have a lot of GF’s. what are GF’s exactly? I got no idea. Seriously, all I know is- "A GF is an independent energy force. By combining it with para-magic, it is possible to control tremendous energy. Memory loss is a possible side effect, but this has not been proven as of yet." —Final Fantasy VIII Tutorial So not only do these ‘independent energy forces’ take the form of the devil, or a dragon or a naked ice lady ( Giving a naked lady to a boy in puberty? Yeh smart idea there, hope they don’t exchange GF’s to often). What I don’t like about these GF’s is that they have no personality whatsoever. There is no connection between a Gf and a party member at all, you could easily swap them out whenever a player wants to. Let’s take my favourite Gf, Ifrit. He is a Demon Gf that the player has to beat so it can join the party. He is the only GF that seems to have some kind of personality when you face him. He dislikes humans, obviously, and is afraid of Shiva (said naked ice lady.) So if anything he should gave a connection with the main character, the one YOU play, and actually bound with him. Well... There is no dialogue between a Gf and a party member, no connection at all! It would’ve been awesome if every character had a Gf linked to them and would serve as their partners, filling one’s talents where the other’s lacks. For example Squal is a whining, brooding emo git while Ifrit is a bully. Two opposites that have to work together to get their missions done. You could’ve made a cool story here! But nooooooooo.... Also here is our first plot hole....if Gf’s are so powerful, why the hell don’t we use their powers more often? Like said war zone. Instead of fighting guys with machine guns with our swords and fists, why don’t we send Diablos to deal with ‘em, I dont know about you lot but if I saw the devil coming at me, I would run my a** off? Or Ifrit throwing meteors around, seriously messing up enemy positions. Even Shiva, the naked ice chick could ‘distract’ the enemy while we sneak up on ‘em. But no! We have to charge at enemy lines while they shoot at us! Seriously instead of this- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_HxjU8TolU We should have had this! (viewer discretion is advised) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPA6kRuhKks You cant see it right now, but I’m grinning ear to ear while imagining Squall and co get jack hammered all across the beach. Right, as you can see I don’t like the characters in this game....at all, but that’s for another time. |
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| Gorvar | Sep 10 2010, 11:44 AM Post #16 |
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Self claimed fanfic critic.
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 Part 2: the characters The characters, both party and NPC’s are f***ing HORRIBLE in this game! Not even this game’s Cid, the recurring name that appears in every FF game, is tolerable and even right out stupid! Let’s take our protagonist here, Squall Lionheart or as I like to call him ‘Cloud rip-off’. Right now I hear the fury of a thousand FF fans readying their pitchforks near the closest bonfire, and quite frankly I stad by my point he is EXACTLY the same like Cloud from FF7! Here have a look!  Squall.  Cloud. Let’s run this down ok? Big sword (possibly to hide the miniscule length of their male member) , check. Traumatic past, check. Lone wolf (aha Emo status), check. Death of a loved one that changes his entire life, check. Love interest who is an annoying bitch, check. Scar inflicted by an enemy, check. He is Cloud step by step, the only exception is Cloud has Sephiroth, his Arch-nemesis if you will, while Squall has to fight some Sorceress (Witch) in the future who speaks Mortal Kombat-ese and is only introduced in like the 11th hour of the game. Anyways the reasons why I hate Squall is simply because you control him for most of the game. He is your mouthpiece into this universe and because of his lone wolf personality your mouth piece can only bitch and moan. He is just so annoyingly lone wolf he even passes up a chance to make out with the only character I like in this game, Quistis Terpe (whom I’ll talk about later in the game.) Seriously when that scene happened in the game I wished I could port in the game and give him a proper bitch slap to the face.  Oh god I wish I could…. Now some of you can argue his status as a Orphan might be a reason why he’s all so Emo, but no, that’s bullshit if you compare his well of training to be a Seed to the other party members. Yeh spoiler alert, most of the party members are connected to the same orphanage somehow and they knew each other before they all got taken to different SeeD schools all over the world. Anyways let’s move on to the love interest Rinoa, who is very, VERY bland. Not even her back story is interesting, she is the daughter of some General and a musician and part of the Rebel alliance that wishes to stop the Empire and...wait no, Princess Leia is to awesome for her. I don’t like this woman, she feels shoe horned into this game because she is not connected to the party members at all, save she has feelings for Squall. Oh, and her dog is awesome. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5zfvk6SfLZQ That dog can literally win you the game if you know what your doing. Seriously though, this chick leads a band of rebels against a hostile empire, Galbadia, and for SOME reason it works. This girl, who shows no tactical insight on operations, who doesn’t even use her father’s lessons as a General. This might be why most of her plans fail so miserably, and sometimes get people killed, so why nobody stood up to her and went ‘Lady, you know jack sh*t about this, how about you kindly shut the f*** up and let the experts handle it?’ I got no f***ing clue. Even the romance makes no sense, because both she and Squall got NOTHING in common, NOTHING. Hell before she got a soft spot for Squall she had a thing going with his rival Seipher. So if anything Squall goes for Seifer’s sloppy seconds. No offense, but Tidus and Yuna at least had something going on between them, and you all know I hate FFX and FFX-2: Fan Service edition. Later on in the game Rinoa finds out she’s a future Sorceress and because of this means she will be a bad guy later on, and for SOME reason Squall feels he must protect her, because every Sorceress needs a Knight (some dude to protect her from all harm and shtuff). Does this change her personality? Does this mean she’ll actually become LESS annoying? Nope, of course not! In fact because of this fact the party decides to go back to the Future and terminate the Future Sorceress who somehow corrupted the previous Sorceresses. But that’s for the plot, which I’ll handle in part 3. Moving on To Seifer, the ‘Rival’ of Squall but no means his arch nemesis. In the opening cinematic we see Squall and Seifer duke it out for no reason , seriously no reason is given other then they are supposed to be rivals, and both inflict a scar on each other’s face. For some reason however neither get banned from school grounds for this. We can pretty much call this Final Fantast VIII: Stuff happens for Reasons! Seifer could best be described as Draco Malfoy when he hit 18 and got a gunblade. He’s just a arrogant prick just for the sake of being a prick, but to be fair I can understand why he is a prick since if you life in a school filled with people you want to punch in the face every time you see their bulging eyes and soulless smiles and their brainless minds you just want to grab Ifrit and ask him to BURN THE PLACE DOWN! I HATE THIS GAME, I F***ING HATE IT!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zidiWe9yq88 I’m ok now....took my happy pills. Right where we we? Oh yes, the characters. So, Seipher....pfffff.....dude has mummy issues, but I’ll get into that with the plot thing, yeh. Next up....oh god, Zell...hang on, need more happy pills. Right Zell is either a annoying prick like the rest, or a pure cracktastic character. Why, because he fights the legions of evil WITH HIS BARE FISTS! I like to compare him with Sylvester Stalone, he is a method actor, just let him do things, don’t give him to many or long lines. He’s there to beat sh*t up, soldiers, monsters, robots, gods, whatever. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UND7dleKDY8 The problem is however....He talks....a lot. There is no STFU button on Zell, at all. It’s like he goes into your mind and finds hundreds of ideas on how to piss you off. Same goes with Selphie, she is a wo-girl who is probably one snap away from becoming that insane Asian chick from Kill Bill, you know the one with the Morning star and castrating that guy in the bar? Yeh, that’s her. She’s to overly cheery and totally flips her sh*t when she finally gets to ride A TRAIN. And later on in the game when you get a spaceship, she is your PILOT! No, not somebody who knows how to f***ing fly this thing but a f***ing cheerleader who uses nunchuks to beat people up. I cant believe how a bat sh*t insane seventeen year old who barely knows to remember you need to pull down your trousers when you have to use the bathroom manages to persuade five people to fly this pinnacle of technology that can traverse the stars without accidently crashing it in the nearest town possibly killing thousands of people. What is more surprising there is someone suicidal enough to LIKE her, enter the wasted potential known as Irvine Kinneas, the Cowboy. I pity this character...I really do. He could have been awesome but all he is, is the cowboy version of Brock from Pokemon. He is a womanizer (although he only gets slapped in the face for it) and stalks Selphie. Worst thing of all is, he doesn’t have a Texan accent! How bad ass would it have been if he stepped into a warzone with a cigarette In his mouth and went- Irvine: -looks around the area- Right then....-throws the cigarette on the ground and loads his gun- Let’s get started then, partner...-shoots a Galbadian soldier with his shotgun- one. –shoots another- two....-his hat gets shot off by a nervous soldier- ....yer dead mate. BAM! But no! He has to be annoying like everyone else in this F***ing game! Aaaargh.....need more happy pills... Right...let’s talk about the ONLY character I like, Quistis Trepe, the only fictional teacher I know, next to Dumbledore, to inspire a fan club based on her name! She teaches her students to fight monsters with their weapons, magic, GF’s and uses a whip herself! Now this might be my male gene talking here but....that’s hot. I know this is an anime trope of ‘attractive teacher with hot glasses’ but come on! Imagine my disappointment when Squall is a cold jerk and rejects her advances on him, she’s only a year older then you, go for it man! Also the plans she makes and her tips actually WORK compared to every other plan made in this game goes FUBAR in five seconds. If anything the students in her class are actually the more deadliest in the game when Balamb garden (Your SeeD school) gets attacked. They actually score more kills then the enemy and fight them off by the edge of their teeth. Did I also mention she takes students on field trips in a mini-Jurassic Park in School Grounds? http://finalfantasy.wikia.com/wiki/T-Rexaur For the rest...Well I mentioned earlier all of the characters in this game are dumb. Seriously later in the game there is a coup of Balamb Garden there are two factions, the Side that supports the Headmaster and the Side that helps the Garden Faculty. Students of the Garden who are on the Faculty’s side are tasked with finding the Headmaster. They look all over the place except in one location nobody would think of looking for him....IN HIS F****ING OFFICE! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJXKVOxqkWM But we’re treading into the plot with this one, so join me next time as I tear the plot of this game a new one. |
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| Gorvar | Sep 12 2010, 02:51 PM Post #17 |
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Self claimed fanfic critic.
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 Hello everyone! I know you people just LOVE to hear me bitch about Final Fantasy, but since i'm feeling a bit happy today I decided to give you lot a little review about something I like. Yes like my previous review I liked, Highschool of the dead, this is another zombie apocalypse story. I promise for my next 'good' review i'll pick another subject ( If you still can see 'Inception' go now while you still can!) but for now let's stick to the world where our moaning brain eating friends took over. The Walking Dead is a monthly comic book series by Robert Kirkman and Tony Moore, about a Police Officer called Rick Grimes who wakes up from a coma in a hospital after he got wounded in the line of duty. After finding no help Rick gets up and finds the entire hospital is crawling with zombies. After meeting up with a man and his son he finds out shortly after he got wounded a global plague that creates it's victims into zombies. Fearing for his family Rick plunders his department's armory, giving the man and son some weapons and ammo, before he sets out to the nearby city to find his own wife and son. I rather not want to talk about the plot to much since I want you all to read it for yourself, but trust me pick up the first volume (Days gone by) and you'll be hooked. Like all zombie apocalypse stories it's the cast that draws you in, which this comic does so wonderfully. The author wishes this series to be a chronicle of sorts about rick Grimes and how we, the readers, follow his story in the aftermath of the zombie apocalypse and his struggle to keep himself and his family alive. Rick is easy to relate to since we can all relate to him if we would wake up in his shoes. The first thing we would do is grab some supplies and go look for our families despite the certain percentage of dying. The other characters are nice as well and we do care about them and even mourn if one of them dies, especially if it happens 10 volumes later when we first met them. The comic does have some gore in it, but the focus is on the characters and their internal struggles then shooting zombies in the face, you want that go watch Highschool of the Dead or play Left 4 Dead. Like my Highschool of the Dead review, and pretty much every piece of fiction in this genre, this book handles about the human psyche and how some social norms which would be outrageous (Like learning a 8 year old how to use a fire arm) are essential to one's survival. If your a big fan of character development and some awesome zombie fighting action with equally as awesome art, go check out this series, if your to lazy to read dont worry because this comic book will be turned into a life action TV series which'll come out in October. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Walking_Dead_(TV_series) My sole gripe with this seires is though, is that it takes place in the USA. Where HotD did right by me is that it took place in Japan, somewhere different from America, when will there be a zombie epidemic in Europe?!  That doesn't count! |
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| Gorvar | Sep 29 2010, 05:58 PM Post #18 |
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Self claimed fanfic critic.
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X-men Origins: Wolverine Hello everyone. Well….yes, I’m going to review X-men Origins: Wolverine. I remember seeing this in the cinema, I think we all did. At first we didn’t wish to believe the hate campaign we heard from the people who saw the leaked unfinished version that circled around the net. We didn’t believe that the Baraka knock off would be Deadpool. I think we all remember the confusion when we left the cinema, and then the anger, the betrayal. This film which is supposed to be the definitive version of Wolverine’s past....ended up being worse then X-men 3, or hell Fantastic Four: the Rise of the Silver Surfer....okay I apologize, this film is still better then the Rise of the Silver Surfer, but not by much! So, what sucked so much about this film? Let’s dive in shall we? The plot is sucky at best. Don’t get me wrong, the beginning is freakin’ awesome! The film actually starts with a young James Howlett finding out his father has been killed by the groundskeeper, who was his real father all along! The drama in my opinion was very well done, especially when Logan popped his claws out for the first time and charged at Thomas Logan, having made his first kill. Because of his powers he gets chased out of town with the groundskeeper’s son Victor, who would later become his arch nemesis Sabretooth. I just love the intro of this film, even the intro credits were amazing. The action, the wars overlapping with each other and how with every war Victor slips into a more Feral state of mind while Logan has a harder time to keep his own rage in check and Victor’s. I liked the near rape of that Vietnamese woman, which is exactly like Creed is in the comics. Of course this also means we skip over decades of good stories in favour in this pile of shit. So after the awesome credits we got introduced to William Stryker who in this version doesn’t speak with an southern accent. I know it’s nitpicking but still. Right both feral mutants get recruited into Team X, which is where the movie falls flat on it’s ass. Don’t get me wrong, I like the actors and I was pleasantly surprised with Will.I.Am’s performance. And don’t get me started, Ryan Reynolds as Wade Wilson...bad ass dude. Seriously he nailed it and come the Deadpool movie I’ll be cheering for Ryan...if he finishes Green Lantern asap. Power Rings got nothing on the merc with a mouth! Anyway, Logan’s time with team X is way to short and to be quite fair, he didn’t do anything from what we saw. He was sitting in back, letting Wade and Blob do all the heavy stuff and push come to shove he just slapped his hands together and went ‘done, I’m outta ‘ere, later Viccy!’ So we cut six years later where we learn Sabretooth has been killing former members of team X...including Wade Wilson. Yeh, Ryan Reynolds is only in this film for 5 minutes! Betcha didn’t see that coming back in the theatre, neither did I! Cut to Logan who has been having nightmares but finds solace with his girlfriend Silverfox. Yeeeeh...nothing bad is going to happen with her, right? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRVUOGUmxJI Yeh anyone who read the comics or falls for action movie tripes would know that from a mile away. To be honest I think they should’ve made this movie R like in the tie-in game with Logan just tearing bitches apart with blood and guts flying around everywhere. Seriously, the game begins with you slamming into a guy after falling 10 000 feet from your crashing plane. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7EocXtLAAAc Now THAT would’ve been hardcore. Then again if we stuck to the comics Silverfox’s death wouldn’t have been very PG.....grrrr....dumb kids getting in the way of my gore fest movies... Anyways Silverfox gets killed by Sabretooth (ORLY?) and Logan goes after him. Of course he gets his as handed to him and is left for dead, until Stryker arrives and asks Logan to join a little experiment which would amplify his claws. Now the Adamantium scene is very awesome and I don’t have anything bad to say about it. Besides I think that scene was the main reason (Seeing Hugh Jackman nude) why the female folk went to see that film in the first place amirite? Hey, no offense to my female readers, I think hugh is pretty hot to. In a none gay way of course..totally....cough... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3j4t185wl-0 BACK TO THE MOVIE! After escaping Weapon X (which totally should not have happened) Logan meets up with the Kent Family, I mean the Hudson family (seriously they don’t get named in the film save the credits and get killed off five minutes later). We get some bounding time, which is kinda sweet, but it becomes nullified immediately when Agent Zero (Who does not resemble Maverick at all, little hint film makers Asians do not look like East Germans!) kills them with a gleefull smile. Yeh...okay...a professional hitman enjoys killing innocent old people first before he actually decides to take a shot at his supposed target. The hell did Stryker get this guy from, in fact I’m not even sure he was a mutant! If you claim shooting very good is a mutant power I would kindly ask you to slap yourself in the face. Domino doesn’t count! Anyways Logan kills that guy, being all bad ass about it and then goes to Las Vegas to meet back up with Will.I.Am and find out where Creed is so he can all Wolverine on his ass. There is also a Cyclops cameo but to be honest at this point they keep throwing in cameo’s it’s not even funny anymore. Oh look it’s Cyclops, oh look it’s the Blob! Later on they got even obscure and thrown in Quicksilver, QUICKSILVER! Who else besides us know who Quicksilver is?! Heck Emma Frost makes a cameo to but instead of being a psychic she can transform into crystal, y’know, her SECOND mutant power which only unlocked after Genosha? You know....I don’t know if Gavin Hood or the writer to this garbage was doing us a favour with these fan only cameos, since they sure as hell aint going the 616 verse way. Anyways back to the plot, we find out Blob let himself go, hence really becoming the Blob, and after a fight with Logan sends him and Wraith to some place to go find Gambit who knows where the island is where Victor is supposed to be hiding. Oh Gambit....gambit, gambit, gambit..... I don’t know about this guy. He does a ok job with the accent, but he seems to keep picking it up and dropping it throughout the movie. Either do the accent or GTFO, don’t piss me off. Anyways Logan and Victor meet again after the later kills Wraith ( in a rather cool way but at this point you shrug if someone gets wacked). The due fight but dumbass Gambit brakes up the fight so Victor can run away like a pu....wait...Victor running from a fight? If I recall Victor rarely runs away from a fight, if anything he would’ve leaped on the Cajun and tore him a new one! So he runs off, letting Logan and Gambit duke it out. Logan beats Gambit’s southern ass and forces him to take him to the island. On the plane trip there (which he won from a card game a la Han Solo with the Millennium Falcon) the two become friends.....for some reason, and Logan jumps out at high spot, hitting the water several times hard, but in the next scene he is completely dry. Wow, next to a healing factor and a bone claw thing, Logan has a drying power as well! Inside the nuclear power plant Stryker has on loan from Montgomery Burns no doubt, Logan finds out Wade isn’t really dead...but has been transformed into Barakapool, a mutant with the powers of all other mutants. No, I’m not calling that Deadpool. http://www.samruby.com/Heroes/Deadpool/Deadpool02Shot.gif THIS is Deadpool. http://www.bearotic.com/img/2009/03/xmen-origins-deadpool-weapon-xi.jpg This...this is not Deadpool! In fact, in the film, this should’ve happened! http://www.comicbookmovie.com/images/users/uploads/10959/deadpool-kills-movie-version.jpg I just made this review more awesome, your welcome. Anyways at this point we find out Silverfox wasn’t really dead since she wanted to save her sister, blab la bla, Logan goes on a hissifit but comes back when she gets double-crossed and Victor nearly kills her. So he goes off to free the captured mutants On the way he comes across Barakapool. Hmmm...this scene reminds me of another crappy movie...cant recall... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAEwXWZvON0 Oh yeeeeeeeeeeh....moving on. So Barakapool and Wolverine fight on top of the nuclear power plant, it sounds cooler then it actually is, where Victor comes to help his brother in a rather okaysome (Not really awesome, but rather okay) back to back way. Deep down the secondary characters have a little adventure which ends with Silverfox getting shot. Gee, I wonder if this means she really dies this time? Anyway being a total dumbass she goes back for Logan while her sister Emma Frost.....yes Silverfox and Fros are sisters now, didn’t you catch the memo? I don’t get this bit though, I mean...these are all mutants with godlike powers, why don’t they go back and wail on Barakapool? Or raise this place to the ground, Quicksilver is there, why doesn’t he run back with Silverfox? And if Barakapool does indeed have powers from all the captured mutants, how come he doesn’t use their powers like speed, wind, ice and all that shit to take Logan out? Ah screw it, the movie is almost over. Logan kills Barakapool, Victor pulls an Doctor Klaw (I’ll get you next time Wolverine, next time...)and leaps off the crumbling structures that actually should flood the entire area in radiation. Oh Mister Burns will be piiiiiiiised. Unless he pulls a Smithers. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ETtNNZ_chFA&p=85FC7875F4D0B02B&playnext=1&index=22 Anyways Stryker finds Logan picking up the wounded Silverfox, but shoots him with what I dub ‘Amnesia Bullets’. Why Amnesia bullets, Because if you shoot the bullet in Logan’s head he losses his memory! Why? Because science says so! Wow, shame those bullets are made of adamantium, I would love to have some. Anyways Logan has amnesia, Silverfox dies after she used her powers to send Stryker on a walk like Forrest Gump (why didn’t she just kill the guy?) and Patrick Stewart makes a horrible cameo as he picks the freed mutants up. There are two scenes after the credits, one with Logan in a bar in japan, which I dig a lot, and one with Barakapool going shhhhhh. So...how does this film hold up? Two words. IT SUCKS! Good points: The Actors doing a rather good job and there are quite a few talented actors in here, but none really shine besides Ryan Reynolds in his 30 seconds of awesomeness in this film. The Action is okay at places and I did like the beginning of the film. The Japan ending was very awesome and although it’s sequel bait, it’s a very good one with a High Jackman who really got into the loner Logan style. The Adamantium bonding scene Nude Hugh Jackman Bad Points: Cameos crawling up the woodworks Characters dying five minutes after their introduction Characters dying after barely getting to know them Lack of respect to the comics Barakapool Sabretooth not having given a good reason not to remember Wolverine in X-men I Action mostly sucked at places Barakapool Not really feeling worry about Logan since it’s a prequel film Barakapool Barakapool! Conclussion: If you like to see Hugh Jackman nude and some good action, pick this one up...as a rental, or go look up the good scenes on youtube. But don’t waste ten dollars on this, Hugh did his best, I get that and I hope the sequel will be a lot better. |
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| Gorvar | Oct 12 2010, 02:00 PM Post #19 |
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Self claimed fanfic critic.
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 Hello everyone! Now put down those pitchforks, i'm not here today to bash on a bad movie. No today we will talk about a novel I picked up earlier this week and by god is it glorious. It is called 'Halo: The Fall of Reach' the first novel based of the Halo Franchise and my first SF novel. It has everything, memorable characters, awesome space battles and ground battles and lots of good drama. Now i understand your criticism since this is indeed a novel based of a game franchise, but I counter your criticism with this. The novel is very easy to get in to, even for those who never played the game, and it expands on things that are mentioned in the franchise and even create new characters which are more interesting then in the games. For those who dont know Halo, the story is like this. It's the 26th century and mankind has reached out for the stars and created a solar empire. People life and work on colonies in the billions and everybody, save a few terrorists, are happy. However when humanity meets a alien alliance called 'The Covenant' everything goes downhill for the human race. Billions of people die because of the superior technology and numbers the Covenant possess and they nearly found Earth, mankind's homeworld. Only the Spartans, a group of super soldiers, are what stands between the human race's survival or it's annihilation. This novel focuses on mankind's unofficial second homeworld, called 'Reach' and the Spartans, among which is Master Chief, the character the player is during the Halo Trilogy games. We learn of his backstory, his friendships, his hardships and feel for him as everything he holds dear is being destroyed around him. The novel deals exclusively on the human side of the Human-Covenant War, especially the Military wing of it, the UNSC. Civilians in this novel are mentioned and have a few lines, but do not play a part in the story or the development of Master Chief, his Spartans or the other major characters such as Captain Keyes, the AI Cortana or Doctor Halsey. The novel starts with a awesome prologue which throws you immediately into the action. You see how deadly the Spartans are and how they are worshiped (and feared) by their normal soldier peers. Spartans are trained killers. Super-fast, Super-strong and very disciplined. This is also the big flaw of the Spartans, even off-duty they cannot stop thinking about the army mentality. The Spartans were selected at a young age, six, and kidnapped from their homes and families because of their perfect genetic structure to become super soldiers to ensure mankind's survival. Because of this they are effectively brainwashed and cannot think for themselves. This is clearly shown as they lack social skills such as not being able to communicate with their peers and the civilians. They believe everything is a mission and sometimes people needlessly die for that. Master Chief is a character you have to feel pity for. Yes he is a bad ass killing machine, but he has nothing else to look forward to in life except the next mission. He'll never have a family, he'll never be able to work outside of the military and basically he has his life taken away from him at age six. Thankfully when he bounds with Cortana he seems to loosen up a lot and when you play the games and read the later novels it makes sense why he seems so loosened up. As i said this book also focuses on Captain Keyes, the Captain of a starship. While MC mostly deals on ground battles, Keyes belongs in space. I like to see him as a more restrict Captain Kirk who seems to be able to win every fight by the skin of his teeth and his wit. Doctor Halsey is the person who created the Spartan program. As the novel progresses you can see how she starts to see that she starts having second doubts of the program. At first she thought, and calculated, the sacrifices these children (and later on adults) made were what's best for mankind, but later on she finally gives up on the program and tries to save as many of her 'children' as possible. Cortana is a AI based on Halsey's brainwaves and takes a younger form of her. She is by far the wittiest and clever character of this novel. You cant help but smile if she gives a retort and snigger if she rolls her eyes at the Chief's actions. This novel takes place in a 30 year life span and in that time you see the characters grow and care for them. You feel bad if one of them dies and hope the rest make it out. The military language and descriptions of weaponry used in this novel feels very authentic and it sort of praises the mentality. So it's very ironic, me a pacifist seems to like it so much. What I dislike about the novel though are three very small gripes i can understand why they cut it out. The first is the lack of a civilian backstory. We have no real Joe or Jane Doe to follow and learn how life is for the people stuck on the planets attacked by the Covenant. However since this is really Master Chief's story and thus focuses on his trials in life instead of mankind as a whole. The second is the Covenant. Aside from one translated broadcast send from the Covenant to the UNSC, they have no real participation in the novel other then being the genocidal alien enemies you hate. You dont know why EXACTLY they hate the human race or how the relationships are between the diverse alien races, except from assumptions made by the UNSC. And the third...not enough Sergeant Johnson. Sergeant Johnson is the Apone from Aliens, in Halo. He is a hardcore marine hurray motherfucker who likes to verbally abuse the Covenant and enjoy a fine cigar. I know he got a novel to himself called 'Contact: Harvest' but still, it would have been awesome to read a awesome one liner that would've send the Covenant packing. Now I dont want to spoil to much for you, although given the title it's kinda hard, but if you like a good SF story that deals with mankind's last stand against a alien crusade, and you love character dramatic deaths, please read it. you wont be disappointed. |
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| Gorvar | Oct 18 2010, 03:31 PM Post #20 |
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Self claimed fanfic critic.
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Gorvar rants on Final Fantasy 8. Part 3: Plot (Part I) Hey guys, i'm back with more bitching on FF8. Where to start with this latrine they dare call a plot.... Well let's start with the good bits I guess....it's long? Every FF game is supposed to be like 80 hours long or something and you feel satisfied you completed it? Hell I remember when I finished FF9 and laid the smack down on the guy who created the universe! You could say I betrayed the laws of creation! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q6cyDsuNx_U For the ten percent who understand that little in-joke, I love you guys, for the other ninety percent WHOOOO! Way over your head. Right...no use putting this thing off, let's get to it. I already explained to you why I think SeeD sucks and why the characters are more annoying then that little punk from Episode I. Now you'll see why. The story begins, like I said with the characters, with a swordfight between Squal and Seipher where both wound each other. Why the hell these two aren't expelled I got no f-ing clue. Seriously they dont even get a scolding or anything! Welcome to Balamb Garden, home of the Jurassic Park training centre, classes where you can learn how to summon monsters, use spells, swordplay and where you can kill your fellow students without getting told off for it! Balamb garden, where you learn to become a murdering sociopath with the powers of a god and get paid for it to! Anyways Quistis, hotness, picks you up from sickbay, where I wish Robert Picardo beams down and tries to humor me with his dry wit, and takes you along for a final lesson. This lesson is to go to the nearest cave and, get this, DEFEAT A DEMON UNDER A TIME LIMIT. Yeh SeeD doesn't f*** around with their students man, you have to go out and fight the god damn Balrog as your final exam, if you fail, you dont get a re-check, your DEAD! Honestly, you have to go fight this demon, with a teacher but still, and beat him into a pulp or it's game over. Sure you got two GF's with you but honestly, this is brutal man, not even Gandalf could handle one of them, what kind of chance does Squall emo-boy got? Not even guns can help you get out of this one. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0HtARP5AGNg Anyways you defeat the Balrog, or Ifrit whatever, and you go back to the Garden where you get told you have to go on ANOTHER final Exam where you get send into A WARZONE! Yeh, if one exam doesn't kill ya, odnt worry, SeeD will provide you with a warzone where no doubt you will be scarred for life with the mental imagery of body parts all over the palce and grown men without legs and their guts out of their stomach calling for their mothers before they die in your arms. Jesus, not even in Gundam Wing they were this brutal! Right you get send of to the warzone with Zell, the dumbass who deicdes to go against the enemy soldiers with GUNS with his BARE FISTS, and Seipher himself.....yeh, seriously this game should've ended the moment we got on that beach.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPA6kRuhKks Yes I know I used it before, shut up! After you and your team take control of the central plaza, yeh three seventeen year old rookies with magic powers defeat a entire garrison of war hardened veterans.....surprised? Right anyway Seipher runs off during the fight, telling us he wants to follow his romantic dream. Hell if I was there I would've shouted 'Yeah you go for it dumb ass, hey dont forget to drop the soap WHILE YOUR IN THE POW CAMP YOU BITCH, THAT'S F***ING ROMANTIC for ya!' Yes I know he means it otherwise, dying in battle and shit, but seriously he makes Vegeta from DBZ look like a pleasant character. Along the way to the radio tower, where you have to go after Seipher of course, you meet Selphie who no doubt should have lost her tiny little mind by now because of the horrible sights of war, but since this FF8 we dont have that kind of realism.... BULLSHIT! Anyways you go up this tower because the enemy army, Galbadia, want it to broadcast a message over the entire continent. Why? Because the town they're fighting for has the only working radio tower WHICH HASN'T BEEN USED FOR DECADES. Yeh, dumb enough for ya? We haven't even scratched the barrel of utter bullshit in this one, just you wait. So after fighting off a spider-robot thing you go back to the school where you pass the test with flying colours! Well gee thanks Headmaster, thank you I could pass my class and become a real mercenary. But what about the friends I no doubt lost in the final exam and the sights of dozens of dead bodies and people i had to kill? Oh, man up you pussy....ok, whatever you say headmaster, Whooo dance party! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKXKWBcaV3A The chances of doing the above video are actually a lot more accurate to the survival scale then the past 5 hours you've been playing this game. Right during the dance party you meet the supposed love interest of the game called Rinoa who by god is the sleaziest anime chick you ever met outside of a hentai movie. The short dress, dancing with you while she is still seeing your arch rival, probably dancing without any underwear....yeh, sleaze ball. And she is your next new party member, whooo!!! Oh god sake please game, shoot me already.... oh yeh Squall rejects Quistis for being romantically interested in him.....I wish he would just die. Or get's hit by a track full of cancer. God damn loner wolf crap. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lzn6oMXv2QE (skip to 3:45) Oh god I wish, it'll take three f***king discs to get there. Anyways you get send to Galabadia the next day to help a Timber, a city in Galabadia, to revolt. How do you get into enemy territory? Well by train of course! Yes....we're going into enemy territory by train...what, do the logical thing and go by airplane? pffff son this is FF8, we aint doin' logic round here! And dont call the technology card on me, if you can make hovercrafts and trains, they can make a god damn helicopter or use one of their GF's to get over there. Right on the train, after you told Zell to STFU for 5 times when he wants to talk about Timber, your characters all will get a splitting headache, yes my voodoo dolls are working YES, and you end up in some kind of dream realm where you take control of three Galbadian soldiers. Interesting to see this from the other side of the conflict, yes, does it play any real part of the story, no. You control some dude called Laguna Loire and his two guys. Are they a lot cooler then my current party? Well...yeh! They seem more connected with each other, war buddies and all, and it makes sense that they are in a war zone! Also one of them uses a anchor as a weapon. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lml20e1XH10&p=EF26DFF8C637A903&playnext=1&index=1 EPIC To be honest I like Laguna's storyline more because they are a lot better then the Squall bits because your dealing with proper people with proper character development. Right so Laguna and his friends go back from the warzone to the capitol where they watch a pianist Laguna has the hots for play. The angst of asking her out and actually being a gentlemen during that date and not wanting to do the dirty really appeals to me. A romantic hero as it is... But enough of that awesomeness and back to the shitty plot! Squall and all that wake up when they arrive in Timber where you meet up with the resistance fighters, under the command of the fearless...Rinoa......f***, I should've asked double for this crap. Anyways Rinoa comes up with a plan to kidnap the President of Galbadia to sign a peace treaty. This would've made sense if it came from anybody else, except Rinoa. Seriously this chick leads a rag tag group of people that....well...they suck. I'm not gonna lie, even the Rugrats have a better chance in overthrowing Galbadia then these guys. But i'll get into that another time.... |
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7:14 AM Feb 11