| Gorvar reviews | |
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| Topic Started: Jul 4 2010, 05:57 PM (3,815 Views) | |
| Gorvar | Jul 4 2010, 05:57 PM Post #1 |
Self claimed fanfic critic.
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Dungeons and Dragons: the movie Hello everyone, let me tell you a story about a fantasy movie presented to us by New Line Cinema, a movie about a mystical world where dwarves and elves live, where evil is around every corner and only a small band of heroes...okay the punch line is Dungeons and Dragons: the movie. YES I told you guys I would review this movie wouldn’t I, and here it is. Little background info, Dungeons and Dragons is a popular tabletop board game where you pick a character (human, elf, dwarf, half-orc...) with a class (Warrior, mage, priest, rogue..) along with a few other folk to work together against the dungeon master who will throw monsters at you (dragons, orcs and the like). The goal of the game is to complete the objective (lets say killing a dragon) and the only way to succeed is to work together with the other players. What has this to do with this film? I’ll tell you....FUCKING NOTHING! This movie was released in 2000 with the tagline ‘This is more then just a game’. Wrong, it’s ‘This is more then just shit It’s super shit, with a cherry on top.' Why I this so bad? Let’s dive right in. First of, the D&D game has several campaigns, different universes with different characters and plots. However instead of choosing one of these more interesting worlds and magnificent plots the director Courtney Solomon decided on a script which would take us to Izmir. Izmir is a land where Mages rule and those who cannot wield magic are powerless and unimportant. However the new young Empress Savina wants to change all that and make everyone equal. Yes, communism in a fantasy setting, kick ass plot right? Anyways it’s around at the two minute marks in the film the entire film has already gone to shit. We’re introduced to our antagonist Profion played by Jeremy Irons. Everybody who has seen this film already start to snicker, we all know how bad he was in this one. Don’t believe me? Have a look. Still not convinced? Let’s be honest that Dragon was a mercy kill really. The plot is this. Profion wants to rule Izmir and wants to keep the mages in charge, but the empress can do whatever the hell she wants because she owns a scepter that can summon a ARMY OF DRAGONS at her disposal. We’re talking about a fucking TEENAGER having the power to wipe out entire civilizations whenever the hell she wants! And to be honest Profion’s accusations of her being inept to rule because of that power....I can agree with that. Honestly would you want a twelve year old being in charge of a empire plus having the power to summon dragons whenever she wants if you disagree? Naboo might do, I don’t. Anyway Profion wants to counter that and looks for a other scepter that can summon other dragons. Try not to keep your hopes up my friends...it’s not that awesome as it sounds. Enter our two ‘rogues’ in our story, Ridley (played by Jimmy Olsen from Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman) and Snails (Marlon Wayans whom you know from the scary Movie-series). Now a lot of critics hate Snails for being a stereotypical black sidekick character and such...but I don’t. Hell if anything he’s more Rogue-ish then Ridley! He actually STEALS for starters, doesn't even want to go on a adventure they'll get no rewards from or risk his life to save others. He also uses Rogue skills and he actually hits on women, fitting his renegade like class. Ridley on the other hand is a friggin’ Mary sue with no flaws other then he really dislikes mages and even THAT get’s fixed later on in the movie. In fact I’m not even sure he Is a rogue, when you think Rogue, you think someone who walks in the shadows, grabs your wallet and runs off without you even seeing him, and if he or she is trapped they grab their daggers that come out of nowhere. Ridley on the other hand has a fucking RAPIER that would no doubt knock all kinds of shit over if he goes burgling and makes the msot noise of the both of them. Also he is the guy who comes up with the idea to steal artifacts FROM A FUCKING ACADEMY FOR MAGES. When I think burgling, I think schools of course. Now I know what your thinking, magic still would be pretty decent on the black market though, right? Maybe they would sell it on some dark spellcasters.... Alright, let’s assume for a start the Mages haven't booby trapped every single centimeter on that school (which is like the size of Mount Everest btw so how the hell they climbed up that place in one night is beyond me) to stop people from stealing their magic mojo, let’s assume there are no magic sentries there, let’s assume these two can actually sneak in and actually steal something and get out...where would they go? Your stealing items only mages can use! Who would you sell a book that teaches you to shoot fireballs? A half-orc barbarian? A dwarf warrior? Yeh I bet Gimli can use a fireball spell here and there... You can only sell mage stuff to mages, and pretty much every mage is bigger then god in this place, why the hell would they even think of becoming a outcast while they can just go to the academy and learn their stuff there. And oh if you further doubt my suspicious on their thieving...they lit a fucking magical lamp while they go off stealing.... You know in Belgium we have a word for those kind of people. IDIOTS! Anyways Profion goes to the council of mages to basically tell them what everyone with a brain cell could've said from day one, having a scepter that can summon dragons in the hands of a twelve year old is a big no no and sort of...dumb. It’s by this point you discovered Apocalypse’s distant Izmir cousin Damodar played by Bruce Payne.  Yes, Profion’s second in command, his handy man who does his dirty work...has blue lips. Whatever bad ass-ness they were going for here? It went out the window the moment you saw those blue kissers. Honestly I wonder why the director allowed those things. It’s like he went Solomon: Hmmm...i don’t know, we need something more menacing, after all Irons is chewing away the scenery like he hasn’t eaten in weeks. Bruce: How about a eye patch? Solomon: Neah, to much like pussies... Bruce: A bad ass scar across my face from a dragon? Solomon: Neah....oh, how about Blue lips! Bruce: ...blue lips? Solomon: Yeh! Apocalypse pulled it off! Bruce: I don’t know if that’s a good idea. Solomon: I’m director and I say roll with it! Damn i'm a genius! We also get introduced to our love interest for Ridley, Marina Pretensa (played by Zoe Mclellan). A mage in training who’s been given the map to the Mcguffin-I mean Scepter of Savrille which can summon the red dragons when Damodar kills her master. Along with our two rogues (who got caught by the student mage...yeh the best rogues ever amirite?) she escapes the academy where they come across a dwarf named Elwood.(Because Norse sounding name would be to stereotypical for this beer drinking-meat eating red bearded axe wielding manly man) played by Lee Arenberg ( you know, the fat guy from the Pirates of the Caribbean). In a tavern (populated by rejects from the set of the Mystic Knights of Tir Na Nog) they meet up with the elf Norda played by Kristen Wilson who has honest to god the WORST costume in the movie. I’m not kidding, not even Profion’s white robe is that stupid. Her chain mail! (because Rangers can travel lightly and over great distance with metal around their chests you know) is clearly made OUT OF FUCKING PLASTIC!  Also to D&D players out there...are there any black skinned high elves? As far as I know only Drow (a evil sub-race of underground elves) are dark skinned. And yet this Ranger doesn’t have any of the Drow character-istics. Not even Drizz't Do’urden was this high elven-e and he was a good guy. Is she a Drow, is she an high elf? The high elves in the film aren't black, is she a exception? Ghaaaargh....this movie....it pisses me off to no end! Anyways the party go to what I dub Mos Eisly on Endor (Hive for scum and villainy which is situated on treetops) where they follow a clone of Ivan Ooze who cant keep his fucking tongue behind his mouth, to a secret spot for thieves and where they find a object to find the mcg- Sceptre. (seriously I want to go in there and punch that guy he’s that fucking annoying) In there some bald rogue leader guy who is played by a good actor no doubt but knows he’s in a shitty film and thus acts like he’s in it tells Ridley has to overcome a Dungeon. (because this movie is called Dungeons and dragons you know hehehe...kill me, please.) Like any two year old who’s been in this dungeon he overcomes it and finds the crystal. The bald guy takes the crystal and backstabs Ridley, as Rogues SHOULD DO, when Blue lips comes round for the crystal and the party. The party, save the mage, escapes but realize they have to go save her. Why? I don’t know, so far she hasn’t even used a single useful spell during combat except a portal spell ONCE. Look when I play a game like World of Warcraft you get kicked out of a group if your DPS isn't good enough, so how the hell she stayed around for so long I got no fucking clue. Then again the dwarf and elf do almost NOTHING in the film, save the climax where they beat up some henchmen and then gets beat up by Profion (a fate worse then death I assure you). Anyways they go to rescue her, and with they I mean the two rogues while the dwarf and elf and her FUCKING GROUP OF ELITE RANGERS, sit on their asses and wait. So why they don't assault the castle where the mage is being held I got no idea, but hey logic left the place the moment we were told the Empress has a scepter that can summon a army of Dragons. No, I’m not letting that one go! Also in the camp again D&D players roll their eyes when they see the beholders. Beholders in D&D are evil masterminds that can lay waste to an entire city and can lead armies of underground soldiers to claim the surface. In here they are dumb and easily distracted guard dogs for Damodar, who isn’t even a mage or someone who can control them! When I saw this in the cinema I heard people groan when they saw this, and even one guy started to CRY. It’s like someone told him Santa Claus doesn’t excist and his grandmother died on the same day. I’m not joking. Anyways the rescue succeeds but both Rogues gets seriously injured, with Snails dying. So yeh, the black guy dies....isn’t that a shock? Thing is though it’s their own fault, if they brought a healer along he could’ve been saved, so I call n00b on them. Damnit Solomon! Anyways the elf takes our fallen hero to some Rivendel knock off where they meet Doctor Who aka Tom Baker. Seriously this movie has good actors, music and not to shabby effects, why the hell does it suck so bad?! http://www.imdb.com/media/rm313299456/nm0813309 Oh yeh, nevermind... Anyways Doctor Who patches him up and after Olsen makes out with the mage (I had more fun face palming this scene then actually see what’s going on) the party (minus Snails who was to damn awesome to life) goes off to cave with magical Mcguffin number 45678 where only Olsen can come in. So Jimmy goes in, finds the scepter and a skeleton who warns him of the evils of the sceptre and how it corrupts and blablabla....is this movie almost done yet?! Right when Olsen comes out he finds his party being caught by Damodar (he could you have not seen him coming, his blue lips sparkle more then Edward Cuellen in the sunlight!) and has to give the scepter or else the party dies. Personally I think he should’ve kept it and claim solo XP for this quest line, but maybe that’s why nobody asks my Orc Hunter to be in their party anymore. So Olsen being the dumb ass he is and instead of using the sceptre to summon the red dragons to fry Blue lips his ass he hands it over. Damodar opens a portal back to Izmer where Profion’s rebellion against the Empress has started. So let me get this straight...Profion started his rebellion before he got the Mcguffin so his only defense would be his small circle of elderly man who cant aim a fucking fireball at the goddamn Death Star and his guards of mere mortal men because....? Anyways Profion summons the red dragons and both Dragon species fight each other over the capitol of Izmer where they do more damage then the Megazord does to Angel Grove in your average Power Ranger’s episode. Who gives a damn about the people down below anyway? Oh wait the Empress does and the bad guys need people to be ruled over.....ah screw it, we’re almost done. Jimmy Olson grows a pair and jumps after Darmodar where he faces him off in one to one combat. I actually started crying out ‘There can be only one’ at this point. The sword play was terrible though and the flashy magic bullcrap when the blades met looked to much like a star wars rip off. Heck I wouldn’t be surprised if Darmodar went ‘Ridley...I am your father!’ In fact that would’ve been kind of awesome of Darmodar would've said that to Ridley when he gets stabbed through the chest. But let’s not forget this is Dungeons and Dragons and elements like story telling have no place he....oh......screw you Solomon! So Darmodar dies and as shown earlier Profion gets eaten by a dragon. The movie ends when the party members get beamed up to the Enterprise when they visit Snail’s grave. Right.....That’s it. My opinion on this film? It could've been good. Seriously in the deleted scenes they show crucial plot elements that for some reason got cut out of the movie and actually slowed the movie down a bit to let us get more bounded with the characters. Why it got cut out I got no clue... The sucky ass costumes and masks should be no excuse for a small budget. Hell it’s sequel, though still quite bad, had at least better fight scenes and costumes then the first film, and it had a lower budget! The actors in this film were quite good in other films and series, so why Solomon didn’t try to stop Jeremy rons from over acting or didn’t give Tom Baker a bigger roll is beyond me. According to Wikipedia.. Solomon blamed the quality of the film on its investors and license-holders' interference, as well as his own inexperience in filmmaking. He states that he had only intended to produce the film, but was forced to direct by his investors after nearly a decade of complications dealing with TSR and Wizards of the Coast. He also claims that he was forced to use an older script despite having written an updated version that fit the Dungeons and Dragons license better So developers hell and Holywood producers get the blame. However while I trashed this film so bad, I recommend watching it because like Batman and Robin, it’s so bad it’s good to watch. It’ll make you laugh, make you cry (of laughter) and then makes you ask questions when the movie is done, such as ‘why the hell did I watch this?’ I hope you guys and gals liked my review and I’ll see you soon. Edited by Gorvar, Jul 5 2010, 03:07 AM.
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| Gorvar | Jul 20 2010, 05:01 PM Post #2 |
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Self claimed fanfic critic.
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Star Wars: The Clone Wars (series) Hello everyone i'm back and boy am I pissed. As you know there is a series out called Star Wars: The Clone Wars, it's a sequel on a animated macro series of Star Wars: Clone wars (which was FAR superior). So...what is my problem with this series, let's have a look. First of for those who dont know 'The Clone Wars' it's a galactic war which rampaged through the Star Wars universe 32-29 years before Star Wars Episode 4 which destroyed the Jedi order and brought the Empire as the major player of the Star Wars universe for decades to come. You may call me a heretic but...I enjoyed the Clone Wars more then the Rebellion. Now dont get me wrong I love Episode 4 till 6, but I was always intrigued with the Clone Troopers, the future Storm Troopers. They were born and raised to die for the Republic, a ideal they'll never be part of. Also it was nice to see the resemblances between Clones and droids who in all but body were all the same. Programmed to kill. My favorite story arc of the Clone Wars was the Battle for Jabiim from Darkhorse comics. Jabiim is a rainy planet where the Republic lost many jedi and clones and mentally scarred anakan skywalker for life. It had drama, you felt for the characters when they died and it was not a complete black and white side, both the Republic and the CIS had redeeming qualities and bad ones. But Gorvar, you might ask, why do you hate this new series then? Well let me tell you....it bodges everything the Comics, the video games and the macro series build up on, like completely. First of, the Clone Wars is aimed at a young audience. i'm sorry, I dont care if you wanted to broaden your audience, but if I want children to see cutsy Star Wars, go watch Ewoks, when I see Clone Wars I expect my heart strings being pulled and main character's dying on mass. There isn't even any blood in this one, or severed limbs. Now Episode 4, which no doubt drew many of us when we were kids, had blood in it, so why wasn't it in the series? Second, No dark storyline. For those who dont know Quinlan Vos, he is a Jedi Knight who had issues with the dark side even before the war started and was send by the Jedi Council to act as a double agent when he infiltrated the Separatists. This storyline was very wel done in the comics and you really felt close to Quinlan espcially when Count Dooku himself made Vos a triple agent and how it all began to consume the Jedi. There is no storyline this deep in the series. And dont give me 'oh, it's meant for kids' bullcrap. You seen Batman: TAS? Those guys weren't fucking around with us, Bruce Tim and Co gave us dark stories every week, and some didn't even have a good ending at all. Same goes with the Macro series of the Clone Wars, it added dark story lines (very impressive for a series which episode was only a 3 minute length) and in one episode showed Anakan's fall to the Dark side even better then what we saw in Episode 3. Third, the lack of Mando mentality on the Clone Troopers. The Clone Troopers were trained by former Mandolorian warriors to fight like them, or similar to their genetic template of Jango Fett. As such they were given Mandolorian styled speeches and ways of living. We dont see that in the series, or even got a hint of it. Now i know Clones were always following orders and were fiercly loyal to the Republic, but other source material showed they sung Mandolorian war chants (polished up with pro-Republic slogans of course) and most troopers follwoed the mentality, espcially Arc Troopers like Captain Rex or the commandoes from Republic Commando. You could've had a impact here. For example a regiment of Troopers are stuck in the middle of a warzone and are being surrounded, nobody is going to rescue them. You could either have the troopers being gunned down while they say nothing, or begin to sing a tragic war song and fight to the last man in a blaze of glory. It's just the little more depth I liked to see in them other then keep saying 'He only had two days left untill his retirement' joke over and over again. And last....the Mandolorians themselves. These guys are the most bad ass warrior culture in Star Wars, not even the friggin' Yuuzhan Vong could take those 'bucket heads' down. They are the people both Jango Fett and Boba Fett hail from. My little problem with the portrayal of them in the seires is very upsetting... For a warlike culture which relied on war, we got three episodes where for NO REASON WHATSOEVER decided to become Pacifists. FUCKING PACIFIST MANDOLORIANS. And you know what the worst thing was, the Death Watch, supposedly the 'evil' mando's were more Mandolorian then the one's we are supposed to be rooting for! Mandalore, the homeworld, has kept itself neutral even before the war started and it's leader doesn't even want to kill a man who threatens to blow her ship up! It just boggles the mind, how can you fuck a premise like that up? The Mandolorians were the best warriors in the galaxy and both factions, be it Republic or CIS or New Republic and Empire, tried to outpay the other faction just so they could have them on their side. We're talking about a people that could conquer entire star systems in a massive crusade across the stars being reduced to ONE planet plus moon whose sole line of defense are blue guys, who dont even sport the T shaped helmet mind you, that use friggin' gungan shock sticks! And last but not least...General Greavous. Ever since Episode 3 people have been pissed how he is portrayed. in the macro series and comics Greavous was a ruthless monster who hated the Jedi with a passion. He is a cold, calculating military mastermind with no equal and knowing his backstory and where he came from it is no surprise why. But in the series Greavous is a little pussy who keeps running away when things start falling down. Over the current two seasons I saw Greavous not ONCE scored a victory over the Republic, not ONCE. It's just...stupid, stupid over the entire line. Is there anything good about this show? Yeh, three small things. First of I like the concept of Anakan having a padawan, this being Ahsoka Tano. What I found interesting was Ahsoka uses the same light sabre style as Darth Vader's apprentice does in Star Wars: Unleashed. A nice little piece of trivia there which may or may not have been intended. I like how he interacts as her mentor and how his rashness begins to rub off on her. Second, the fight scenes. For a show that calls itself the Clone Wars they do try their best to give us a spectacle for the eye, and it actually does a pretty good job in showing shit blow up and people die by the dozens ( all PG rated of course). The Space Battles are cool as are the Land battles, but sadly those scenes are few and far apart as the political side of it all comes into it, which is just dumb and non sensical.( Like the Jedi Council, not the Senate, that send a Senator to a undercover mission with no claims whatsoever while in Quinlan Vos' case Yoda himself had to meditate about for a long time.) Third, the Villains. Count Dooku is still as awesome as you remember. Though not voiced by Christopher Lee himself, he is still a good villain and you smile every time he's on screen, especially when he tears into the sheer stupidity of others. So, is this a good series? No, is it tolerable? I guess if you didn't see (better) stuff about the Clone Wars. Even though I hate it I suggest you lot should check it out and judge for yourselves. Edited by Gorvar, Jul 26 2010, 09:08 AM.
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| LoganActor | Jul 23 2010, 07:18 AM Post #3 |
Plays Logan on TV!
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Gorvar.... *squidgy face, trying not to cry* I LOVE YOU, SIR! *super hugs* I second everything he just said... |
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| Gorvar | Jul 23 2010, 07:48 AM Post #4 |
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Self claimed fanfic critic.
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On the Star Wars or the D&D haha. Seriously, The Clone Wars really starts pissing me off sometimes, especially when they try to be all political and stuff. It's been done before better and grander, did they even read the Darkhorse comics?! I keep waving my copy of the Battle for Jabiim storyline at my tv screen screaming: READ THIS! As for the D&D....yeh...it's dumb, but by god is it funny! |
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| LoganActor | Jul 23 2010, 11:37 AM Post #5 |
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Plays Logan on TV!
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Yes and Yes. Both. |
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| Gorvar | Jul 26 2010, 09:07 AM Post #6 |
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Self claimed fanfic critic.
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Bakugan (and a rage on any game anime series ever).jpg) Greetings everyone, today we are going to look into the shitfest which is known as Bakugan: Battle Brawlers. To those who do not know Bakugan is a anime series based on a game (a la Yu-gi-oh or Bay Blade) where it's up to a group of teens to save the world. Simple right? So why do I hate it, again very simple...this anime laughs at you and insults your intelligence every single fucking minute your watching! First of the premise of the show is fucking stupid. It opens with one day marbles that pop up into monsters drop down from the sky along with special cards. Of course only kids and some creepy adults pick these up and suddenly make a game about it! There are no (real) scientists looking into where the hell these things come from or no military asking around if there were any airplanes hired by some crazy rich asian motherfucker to drop them to promote this new game. Somehow rules are made and everyone is playing this, you know how? By opening the depths of hell themselves and freezing time around them! If you start a game a purple orb engulfs the two player and stops time anytime on the entire planet, or just the area, they never explain. This brings up my 1st question...how in the name of Santa's Balls are these rules made, or hell even made sure they would be followed? There are no manuals the characters go back to if there is a problem, nobody checks it on the internet, fucking nothing! As far as I know you have three marble monsters, which can talk to you of course, you can use during the game. You lose them all, bam game over. Each monster has it's ATK power which you can buff up with power up cards or the cards which the marbles are stood on to further buff up the ATK power. However they dont delve further into this game I mean, how many cards can you have in your deck, is there even a deck, how come some marbles talk and others cant or wont? What s the difference between 'banishing' marbles from simply taking them out of the game? Also the game is full of fucking cheating, there has been many times during a show i called bullshit because the powers were very unfair and overpowered. Seriously if this was a rl tournament half of those cards would be disqualified! But right enough about the game, let's talk about the characters. Our main character Dan is a douchebag clone mixed from Tai from Digimon, Tyson from Bey Blade and Ash from Pokemon. Like Ash he is bland as hell and has no personality other then being the best Pokemon Trainer ever, or Bakugan master, whatever. What is most surprising is that the core group of main protagonists are actually girls. In every other anime series, Sailor Moon and Card Captors excluded, it's been mostly men. Do they take advantage of this though? Do they gave proper headstrong-ness into these characters? Give proper respect to women? Noooooo, of course not, they sexualize 12 year olds by wearing mini skirts, showing their navels and fight over Dan like animals. What is also very hilarious is that they suck at playing that dumb ass game while Dan is always the best. I saw better representations of feminism in Twilight in the form of Bella..... And like in every anime show you need the silent bad ass who doesn't say much but when he speaks you better fucking listen or you'll get owned so bad even Alderaan's destruction by the Deathstar would seem insignificant to the beat down you'll get. Dragon Ball Z had Vegeta and Piccolo, Bey Blade had Kai and Sonic X had Shadow. In this shitfest of a show we have Shun, one of the best Bakugan players ever who hails FROM A FUCKING FAMILY OF NINJA'S. NINJA's! A person who can hide in the shadows and end your ass before you even know you had a accident wastes his time instead of perfecting his skills in the deadly arts by playing a fucking game of marbles with Monsters! What. The. Hell?! But then again he is not a real ninja, who the hell would wear a purple jacket if he goes ninja-ing anyway, nor does he even use his skills once to help the party. if your a ninja, you dont go around telling your a ninja, coughNarutocough, and even if you are you can easily sneak in the antagonist's hideout and wack him, ending the series on episode 10! It's fucking bullshit! And dont give me 'Anime's for kids aren't supposed to be dark like that' because Sailor Moon is killing monsters ever since episode 1 and Yu-gi-oh had several scenes were someone pulled a gun or fucking machine rifles at the main cast. Also he has issues with his mum dying and we get treated to a lot of emo moments. Oh his mum is the best, you know why? On her deathbed instead of telling her son she loves him and always will watch over him from above, or tell him to become a great ninja one day, she uses the last ounces of her strength to give him one of those fucking marbles! I never understood the drama behind these kinds of shows! In Bey Blade one of the characters nearly froze to death after he jumped in cold water to save his toy while in Yu-gi-oh people get killed for a god damn children's trading card! And the money in that show they waste on is unbelievable. One of the characters is a millionaire and literally asks her butler to take their private jumbo jet to cruise around the world to duel with people! Or to find clues why these monsters came here or some bullshit... Anyway back on topic, of course these marbles are really monsters that hail from a other dimension. in that dimension one nasty monster wants to take over the world of course and to do that he decides to open a rift between our world and theirs. How? Why? Nobody knows and quite frankly nobody cares. The only thing that really matters in these games is to LEVEL UP their marbles so they can stop the bad guy in this show to level up his marbles. There is zero to no characterization or development in this show, those games always take the forefront and none of the rules make any sense. My opinion? The moment you see this show on your tv change the channel to a Oprah re-run, it might not be that good, but at elast you get to hear proper stories that make sense. Edited by Gorvar, Jul 26 2010, 09:14 AM.
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| Gorvar | Jul 30 2010, 05:47 PM Post #7 |
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Self claimed fanfic critic.
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Transformer 2: Revenge of the Fallen Transformer 2: Revenge of the Fallen is a disappointment to all transformer fans out there. Optimus Prime is not the same Autobot we once knew, we learned Predacons do fuck and that the humans are the (unwanted) stars of the franchise. Also Micheal Bay is rapidly becoming known as the rich version of Uwe Boll. That’s my entire review in a nutshell, but I guess you lot would like me to go deeper into this pile o’ metallic shit right? Alright then, grab your shit free goggles and let’s dive in! Before I start yes I did see the first movie and I thought it was okay, other then the Bumblebee pee-ing on the secret agent guy and Optimus actually saying ‘my bad’. It had action, it didn’t had to many characters and I loved how they did Bumblebee’s way of communication. And shit blew up, you cant go wrong there...right? First of this movie brings in to many fucking Autobots and they all look the fucking same! You cant even recognize the difference between Autobots and Decepticons anymore. No symbol or bright colours (Autobot) vs black colours (Decepticon), fucking nothing! And Optimus might as well be called ‘Sir not appearing in this film’ because he has little to no screen time in favour for Sam Witwicky’s mum eating fucking space cake and dogs fucking. Let me repeat that for you....Transformers 2 focuses on dogs fucking and people eating space cake. What, a intergalactic war that raged over millennia? Pppffff what have you been smoking son? This is Transformers, sure we got some robots but we only care about the humans really. That’s my first gripe with this flick, enough with the fucking humans! We don’t care how they feel or how Sam is the chosen one, we want Optimus and Megatron going at it with fucking lasers and mace/ax’s! If there was one thing I loved about Beast Wars, a spin off of the Transformers franchise, is that weren’t any humans in it! Yes we had primates which would later evolve into homo sapiens ( Time travel stories are cool btw) but that wasn’t the heart of the show! It dealt with the Maximals and the Predacons trying to survive on a alien world, where one moment a foe could become a friend or friend become foe. You had honest to god character development and relationships blossom. My favourite was Rat-trap, a Maximal who could transform from a Rat to a robot, and Dinobot, a Predacon that could transform into a raptor who switched sides. In the beginning these two didn’t get along at all, calling each other names (Vermin and Chopper face respectively) and distrusting each other, but as the seasons proceeded they became the ebst of friends and bailed each other out in though positions. When Dinobot died Ratrap was the one who was affected the most by Dinobot’s death and actually went on a near suicidal mission to get Dinobot’s clone to the AMximal side just so his friend might come back. I’m not the only one, you can ask everyone who watched Beast Wars. Wait A minute, what the hell am I talking about Beast Wars for, this is called ‘Gorvar reviews: Transformers 2’. Fuck this movie, fuck it! Anyway let’s get started... The movie begins two years after the first one where we see the Autobots working together with the humans to take down any surviving Decepticons on Earth. When I saw this film the first time that scene first shocked me...then pissed me off. First off, the outside world has no idea the Transformers exist, like at all. You remember the first film yeh, the climax at the city where the three forces due it out over the Allspark? A huge public fight that no doubt was photographed on all sides or filmed and uploaded to Youtube? Yeh it didn’t happen, at all. The American government, why always the Americans I mean come on, kept everything under tight wraps and makes sure news like that doesn’t get leaked out. Alright asshole, you want to play it that way, let’s dance shall we? First off there is a ancient invention called TALKING. People talk, that’s how we communicate. If a entire city saw that fight they will talk about it! Ok if one person talks about it the outside world can call him/her a looney, but if you have a entire fucking city talking about it, then it’s a totally other story. Also I find it HARD to believe nobody wouldn’t upload a movie of REAL giant robots fighting and brag about it to their mates. There is no way you could’ve kept that fight under wraps, not by a fucking longshot. But the worst thing is, according to this film these fights have been going on for two years! TWO YEARS! I don’t care how dumb you think your audience is, but if you have a fucking robot fight in shang hai, people will have seen it! You can come up with all kinds of explanations, like swamp gas reflected by the moon, you cant hide GIANTS ROBOTS FIGHTING! But that’s not the worst bit. You know what’s even worse? I’ll tell you... OPTIMUS KILLS A WOUNDED DEFENSELESS DECEPTICON. Optimus Prime, the prime example of a force of good that combats evil on honourable terms, shoots a defenceless Decepticon in the face! I’m not kidding, that’s what he does. Optimus would never do that, don’t get me wrong he shoots and ax-slashes bitches to pieces, but he wouldn’t kill a un-armed prisoner! Not even on Cybertron did he do that! Yeh the war was ruthless, but instead of killing any prisoners he locked them up and interrogated them later. Not fucking killing them! And don’t tell me ‘But the humans cant hold them, they lack the sophisticated technology to do so.’ .... Megatron was locked up, in a DAM! Don’t bullshit me, they can lock the decepticons up and use them later for intel. Ghaargh, this movie hasn’t even reached the fifteen minute mark and I hate it already... Anyways before the Decepticon dies he tells them ‘The Fallen’ is coming. Don’t get your hopes up it’s Unicron, Micheal Bay is to stupid to use him and actually make a epic movie. We cut to Sam Witwicky played by Shia Lebuttfuck who somehow isn’t going off with Indianna Jones to find alien skulls. He prepares to go to College and...i’m not doing it. I don’t care about the fucking humans! And Megan Fox isn’t even that hot! You can call me a herectic, but seriously, she’s not that hot! Hell Summer Glau is even hotter then her! And a better actrice to... Anyway, Shia Lebuttfuck finds a piece of the Allspark which turns half the house’s electronically into murderous minicons. What does he do with that piece? Give it to his Transformer friends, hide it somewhere only he knows? No of course not, we are talking about the guy who fought demons remember! He probably has something more bad ass in mind, like giving the piece of the Allspark that no doubt will attract the attention of every Decepticon on the universe TO HIS GIRLFRIEND. I’m dead serious, it’s stupidity beyond scale. Why the fuck do you want to do that?! One of your friend is Optimus fucking Prime, he can keep it safe! Why the hell do you want to give it to her?! Oh, to have pointless scenes like that >.> Here is the thing, I couldn’t find any films of Shia ceiling humping the floor in Constantine, but oh Megan Fox’ strip in Transformers, hundreds of videos. I fucking hate mankind... Anyways Lebuttfuck is even more suicidal as he decides that Bumblebee (who somehow lost his voice again despite him having regained it in the last film) who just defended him from the killer minicons mind you, SHOULD STAY BEHIND. What the fuck is wrong with this guy? Does he wants to do, why the hell is he ‘The Chosen One’? Neo made more sense, Link made sense, Paul Atreides made sense, hell I can even buy that kid from Captain N is the chosen one, but not him, not Shia Lebuttfuck! How far are we in....oh god I’m not going to survive this review. Anyways after the dog fucking and space cake scenes, we go into more detail about the Autobot/Human task force. There is this one high up guy whom I call Mr. Asshole who blames the Autobots for the destruction they cause during the fights and suggests to his superiors to tell them to leave the planet. Urghm...Mister Asshole....come here a second... THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! These guys are your only line of defence when the Decepticons come back and decide to nuke you all back to the stone ages! Yeh the fights make a lot of damage and yeh it’s hard to keep the media out of it, people HAVE to get smart sometime amirite, but here’s the thing..THEY ARE GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS FROM SPACE WITH LASERS! Of course they’ll make loads of damage, you ever seen Angel Grove after the Power Rangers beat off a attack from Rita? Don’t be such a pussy and man up! Worst of all his superiors actually listen to him! I’ve seen more military accuracy in fucking ‘Mars Attacks’! Especially when a Tiger like Decepticon (like Tigertron from Beast-Wars) breaks into a army base and steals a piece of the Allspark and use it to revive Megatron who is dumped in the middle of the ocean at the end of the last film where he is supposed to be torn apart by the sea pressure. So how come his body is still intact after two years of rusting, Mr. Bay? Care to answer that? No, WELL FUCK YOU! So Megatron is back and he goes to space where his legs get humped by Starscream and the other Decepticons, until ‘The Fallen’ appears with no sense of drama at all. He just sits there in a throne, and bam, done, here is your antagonist for the film. You people remember Star Wars: Episode IV where we got introduced to Darth Vader? How he stepped out of boarding craft after the smoke settled and his breathes scared the shit out of us? THAT is how you introduce a villain! Why do I keep referring to good movies? Anyways back to Shia we find out there is this chick who is actually a decepicon who tries to lay with him so she can suck the information out of him about the All Spark and the symbols he keeps seeing. Yeh, sucking information out of him....whatever, I saw better Robot girl acting in Terminator: The Sarah Conner Chronicles. There is a chase scene where Sam, his girlfriend and his friend, whom I shall dub Shaggy because he fulfils the eternal coward role for this film, drive away from a Decepticon. Starscream shows up and kidnaps the three and takes them to Megatron who hides out in a WAREHOUSE in the MIDDLE OF A CITY! How could no-one see him enter that place? I mean really?! It even gets better later on when Starscream and Megs have dialogues on rooftops like in Clerks or if your desperate, the Room by Tommy Wassau. Anyways Optimus and Co show up, they save Sam and his friends, but eventually Optimus after taking down half a dozen Predacons single handily dies in a blaze of glory when Megatron kills him. After Optimus died The Fallen decides to take over the world of course and sends out a message to the people via internet and tv that he wants Sam Witwicky and he might spare their lives. It’s around this point we get introduced to the fucking twins Skid and Mudflap. You remember my Dungeons and Dragons review, Snails? They act so African Americain and so ‘homeboi’ like it’s not even funny, in fact it’s fucking racist! They’re not funny, we want them to die a horrible death, why the hell are they with the main characters we don’t give a shit about?! Anyways they go to a Museum where there’s a friendly old Deception called Jetfire and... Give me a minute. .... Bashing your head against your keyboard is expensive, as is throwing your remote to the tv. Anyway Mecha Scrooge Mcduck tells them that the Fallen can only be killed by a Prime, because he was a Prime himself but turned on the others when he tried to burn out a sun to collect Energon from it, but the planet was inhabited and was not allowed. There was a war over the planet in which the good guys won and the Fallen was banished while the other Primes sacrificed themselves to protect the Matrix of Leadership which can revive Optimus. It sounds cool, and it actually is really, but of course knowing this film it soon gets de-evolved back to Micheal Bay shit. At the tomb which was previously used to film Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (Must stop referring good movies...) they find the Matrix and contact the army guys to drop in Optimus so he can be revived. Thing is though, Shia couldn’t convince them first while back in the first film the army guys KNOW he is the chosen one. Why the hell they are giving him a hard time now I don’t know. To increase tension perhaps? Well it failed if you fuck up characters all the time and throw away their very identities, even Bays own characters act out of character compared to the first film. Anyways the Decepticons find out, big action scene which lasts just as long as the Battle for Minas Tirith, only a lot less dramatic and with robots, where the party tries to get to Optimus’ body. They get there, but just at that moment Shia gets hit and he dies. HURRAY! Yes, now can...movie is still not over? FUCK! Anyway after he goes to robot heaven.... I’m serious, he goes to robot heaven to talk to the Primes for some reason. What reason, I dunno...he’s the Chosen one who will bring peace to Arrakis? Whatever, anyways he comes back and revives Optimus who is pissed off. He combines with Jetfire in a AWESOME scene, which is the best one in the film, where he flies off and lays down the law to both Megatron and the Fallen. He even rips off the Fallen’s face! Ok, that’s a bit gory...but bad ass. Small problem...it’s to fucking short! He’s barely been combined for like a minute until he wacks the Fallen and Megatron runs like a little bitch. Linkin Park plays a tune and the movie ends with Sam and Optimus standing side by side on a Air carrier. The End So.....my take on this film? It’s fucking bullshit! This film doesn’t respect the source material, it jumps around like crazy, really the warehouse bit jumps from the city to a forest in like a millisecond, and there is no Character devlopment in this film at all, other then Shia Lebuttfuck’s character we don’t give two shits about. My opinion? Stay away from this movie and if you want to see a live Transformers film go see the first one. It’s not great, but it’s Shindler’s list compared to this fucking bullshit. |
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| LoganActor | Jul 31 2010, 07:42 AM Post #8 |
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Plays Logan on TV!
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*strokes chin thoughtfully* Bullshit, you say? Indeed. I approve this message. |
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| Gorvar | Jul 31 2010, 08:56 AM Post #9 |
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Self claimed fanfic critic.
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This movie pisses me off on so many elvels it's stupid, worst of all I haven't touched upon half the stuff that ticked me off even more! |
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| Gorvar | Aug 8 2010, 08:34 AM Post #10 |
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Self claimed fanfic critic.
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Thinking of doing AvP next.... |
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8:52 AM Feb 10